S.

2012-02-12T00:42:00.001+08:00

死了也许会更好.. 至少心不会再痛了, 我也不必每天假装自己很坚强, 很开心.. 真希望今晚一睡着, 从此以后不会再醒来了..

I miss you

2012-02-11T16:30:00.002+08:00

I miss you so much it kills me. I sent you a text knowing you were not gonna reply it. I sent it anyway because I thought I should let you know. I'm sorry... I love you, but I don't know how to face this relationship anymore.

In front of my family I pretend to be fine. I pretend that I am happy but deep down I'm thinking of you and what you're doing. Did you manage to wake up early to go to the carpark this morning? Have you ended work for the day? How's the lunch at home today? I can only ask all these questions here because I know it is pointless sending you a text.

My texts to you have gone unreplied since last night. I don't know if you hate me but I guess you have the right to do so. Trust me when I say I have never, ever, ever loved anyone this much before. At times I wonder if I made the right decision, and whether I will live to regret it. It takes so much out of me to stop myself from running back to you and asking for the relationship back. I have done that so many times but look where we are now. We're still back at square one.

My heart is heavy. I feel a little lost, but mostly empty. All I really want at this moment is to be in your arms again. This hurts so bad

2012-02-09T02:17:00.011+08:00

I promised a post today, and even though it's not today TODAY anymore (since it's past 2am), I will still update this space before the cough med takes effect and I K.O for the day.

So.

Someone asked me what's been bothering me and why I've been feeling so stressed and down. I replied that I don't know, but I guess it is true that there are a number of things that've been on my mind.

1) School

I don't know if I wanna continue studying anymore. I know it might sound really foolish to say this but I really don't have the heart to continue studying. The few times I actually go to school, I don't even pay attention and I leave school before the lesson even ends. And I still have 2.5 years of this shit to go through. I don't want to waste even more money if I know I'm not gonna make it.

My first sem results were way better than what I expected but I guess that's only because it was the first sem, and everyone does well initially... But now the thought of studying really puts me off. I've never been a study person, unlike my sis, whom I believe would study her whole life away if she had a choice to. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just that I'm not like her at all. I would like to persevere for the next 2.5 years, but again, I'm not someone with a lot of determination...

Yet the thought of having to tell my dad that I don't feel like studying anymore scares me. I have a feeling my dad would probably chop me into a million pieces before even saying anything.

2) Money

I have been spending money like nobody's business. It started during the CNY week when I was sad and moody and went drinking nearly everyday. I reckon I have drunk about 10 Martell bottles ever since that day. No kidding. I am ultimately broke now. I have been having instant noodles everyday for lunch for the past few weeks just because of that. Don't get me wrong, this is nothing to be proud of. It's just that everyday I think of how to make money quick and believe it or not, I get really stressed over it.

Then again, I have no one to blame but myself...

3) My weight

Before CNY I lost quite a bit of weight and that week was probably the best week (in terms of my weight/size). But then subsequently I started to binge eat, and I think my appetite has grown... I don't really dare to weigh myself anymore, but I suppose I'm slowly but surely putting the weight back on.

Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I feel so ugly. I know I am not, but I am fat, and being fat makes me ugly. Doesn't help that I keep seeing skinny people around... I feel very inferior, especially since everybody's so superficial these days. I don't wanna be fat anymore, but I've exhausted all my options. The slimming coffee isn't effective anymore, and I still do exercise but sometimes I get tired and lazy and I tell myself I'll do it the next day. I keep to it of course, but I don't see myself losing anymore weight and I'm starting to feel discouraged.

4) N

I know N doesn't like me to blog about him or our relationship, but I'm sure it is pretty obvious that this is the biggest reason why I've been feeling so down lately, and if I can't express how I feel here, in words, how else can I do it? This is the best way I can express myself.

Recently I have been a very disappointing girlfriend. In fact, that's an understatement. I have been a terrible girlfriend. I have lied to N and kept things from him intentionally, and when he found out he was really, really angry. He said he cannot trust me anymore and he definitely isn't wrong to feel that way.

I miss the old us.

I miss the times when the greatest form of entertainment to us was an iPhone app/game, and us trying to break each other's high score. Today I was playing Bejeweled Blitz on my iPhone and I realized how things have changed - how we are no longer intent on breaking each other's high score and taunting each other when we've done so. I miss the times when all I wanted was to be at home, with him, spending precious moments together. There is so much I miss and I could go on and on forever.

This time, I'm the one who's changed. I've gone back to my old partying ways, the kind of lifestyle N has never liked and would never accept. After all the drama and tears, N has served me an ultimatum - I have to make a choice between him and my drinking life. Maybe to some people, this would be a simple choice to make. But I have been a party animal from the start, and I stopped only when I got together with N. I remember asking him to club with me even when we were already dating. So to me, this is the worst decision anyone could ever ask me to make.

I know for a fact that I will regret letting go of N. From the start I have thought of him as a perfect boyfriend and a potential husband, despite all the quarrels and unhappiness. He might be a little dense and insensitive sometimes, but he cares for me. He cares for me more than any other person would and could care for me. And I know he loves me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him too, because as much as I've tried to harden my heart while writing this post, I am still crying because the memories are flooding back and I realize just how close I am to losing him.

But on the other hand, I am reluctant to give up on my partying life. Drinking makes me happy. Drinking makes me forget all my problems at that point, and the best part is that everyone around you is happy as well. I don't feel lonely or empty or depressed. I have so much fun with the people around me that I wouldn't even go home if I had a choice. As cliched as this may sound, I'm born to be wild and crazy, and I really don't wish to give that up.

I would like to strike a balance between the two but I think it is too late to do so, now that I've crossed the limit and N has given me this choice to make. I know have no right to say this, but I feel so torn...

2012-02-01T14:38:00.003+08:00

I have been feeling really down for the past few weeks. I think it started from that week where I had 5 consecutive nights of insomnia. Since then I've been having really awful moodswings. There is not one day I feel truly happy. It's a fucked up feeling.

So these days I gorge myself with food in the hopes of feeling better emotionally. I cut myself off from the rest of the world as much as possible (N included). I don't even wanna talk to him or meet him. I just wanna stay at home and wallow in my own misery. Heck, I'm not even keen to meet up with people I haven't met up with in a long time (sorry Bfff). I know of people who feel better after gorging themselves with food so I tried doing that, but now I just feel like puking and I don't feel any better.

People close to me would know what's been happening and why I'm feeling this way. I try not to share how I feel with that many people 'cos I don't like the idea of burdening them with my problems. But I think I might just explode soon. I don't know how to explain this. I would like to cry my heart out but I don't know what I should be crying about... All I know is I feel shitty. That's all.

N says that I have changed to become a completely different person, someone he doesn't recognize anymore. He is not wrong. I know I'm not myself anymore. I'm the type of person who cannot stand staying home and doing nothing. I'm the type of person who likes drinking and socializing, but not overdoing it and getting drunk every other day. But these days I am either at home feeling all emo about stuff, or out getting myself piss drunk. It is not normal.

This isn't fair to N. I know it isn't. It is akin to me venting my anger at him - he hasn't got a clue why I'm behaving this way. Why I don't wanna go out anymore. Why I hardly feel like meeting him anymore. Why I'm getting myself dead drunk so frequently that he has to come to my rescue and literally carry me home. And as much as I'd like to explain myself to him, I don't have the answers too.

How long will this go on for? How long will I be stuck in this rut? How long will I continue living this lifestyle before I wake the fuck up and realize that the world doesn't stop spinning just because I'm feeling down? How long will it take for me to see that I need to get back up on my feet, learn from the mistakes I've made and move on?

--

Right now I just feel like dying. Somebody kill me already. Please.

formspring.me

2012-01-26T01:56:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://www.formspring.me/shalenehuang

2012-01-22T23:39:00.002+08:00

It's 20 minutes to the first day of CNY. This year I'm dreading the next two days because of obvious reasons. Besides, I've never been a fan of visiting, and I really can't think of anyone who would be. It's such a waste of time... And it doesn't help that I'm on a diet so I'm probably gonna miss out on all the CNY goodies. Then again, the thought of pineapple tarts and bak kwa etc don't even appeal to me that much anymore. Which is a good thing I suppose. I'm only looking forward to the ang baos though $$$$$

That aside, I have been drinking for the past two consecutive days. Ignoring the fact that that is taking a toll on my health (and wallet), drinking makes me really happy. So much has happened since the start of 2012 even though it's barely been a month. And I spend every waking moment thinking about how to solve each and every problem. I hate that. I hate having my mind full of "what should I do?" and "how do I make this work?", and it gets really overwhelming sometimes. Yet with each day that the problems aren't solved, I get more and more vexed...

Drinking takes away those negative feelings. When I drink I really immerse myself in the environment and people I'm with and I just put everything aside for that few hours. I can't even begin to explain how liberating that feels. If I could I would drink my whole life away... Minus the hangovers, of course.

--

ต่อให้ฉันจะรักเธอมากเท่าไหร่
แต่ก็รู้ว่าเธอคงจะไม่สนใจ
ก็ยังฝันไปและยังคงหวังเอาไว้ข้างในจิตใจว่าซักวันเธอจะมีฉัน
แต่ก็รู้เป็นไปไม่ได้
เมื่อเธอคิดว่าฉันไม่ใช่ แต่ก็ไม่เป็นไร
ก็อยากจะขอมีเธอเรื่อยไปในใจไปอีกแสนนาน

2012-01-20T02:05:00.004+08:00

Ok so recently there hasn't been anything interesting going on in my life (apart from that incident where I had a nasty fall and fractured my nose, but the thought of it still makes me shudder so I'm not gonna recount that incident for everyone to laugh at me) so I just thought I'd blog about smth I heard that left me quite... Amused, if that's the correct word to use.

Just the other day someone tried to explain to me how busy he was by saying that "one hour of his time was worth $2k". That statement in itself isn't what's amusing - it's the context in which he used it. I'm not gonna state names because that's not necessary, and I can't exactly reveal the contents of the conversation as well because I don't wanna risk getting sued, but seriously? This is the first time I've heard someone saying that.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with being busy, but I really don't think there was a need for him to say that, especially when he was asking for help. I would expect him to have been a little more tactful since he urgently needed help... But no, he made himself seem all high and mighty, like he was superior above everyone else, and EXPECTED me to help him. Key word: EXPECTED.

Are you fucking serious? So is this how the society has raised us to be? Just because you are rich and successful, you have the right to be all haughty and proud despite knowing that you're asking for a favour from someone? What have we become? A bunch of selfish, insensitive individuals who strive to be rich just because we think that money makes us the biggest fucks on earth? How disgusting.

--

On a separate note, just a bit of updates on what's been happening...

Last night finally marked the end of my five consecutive nights of insomnia! Thankfully. I have had so much difficulty sleeping lately. I don't think it's due to stress - after all, I haven't had much to be stressed about, so it must be due to my diet. I have been eating very, very little these days. Initially the idea of eating put me off because the thought of putting food into my mouth and gaining that extra bit of fat made me feel sick to the stomach, and so I just ate enough to not make me feel hungry. And then gradually I totally didn't feel hungry at all, and I wouldn't even have eaten if not for the fact that my gastric would act up otherwise. This change is quite scary, to be honest. But no, I'm not anorexic - I think I'm still eating enough to keep me from being anorexic (though I wouldn't really mind that...). In any case, I'm glad I finally had a good night's sleep last night, and I hope the same for tonight too.

That said, it's time for bed now, I have a medical appointment with the ENT specialist tmrw which I'm dreading but which my mum specifically told me that "no matter what, I must go for the appointment"... So I will listen to the concerned mother's advice. And pray that my nose gets better soon.

Goodnight for now!

2012-01-11T23:34:00.003+08:00

I will be very explicit in this post because today I feel that it is time for me to express all that I've been keeping inside me for the past two, coming three years. It will be a long post, so don't say I didn't warn you.

--

When I was younger, I used to be very close to two of my cousins (let's call them C and R). When I was younger I used to really, really enjoy family gatherings, and I used to dread it whenever my dad told us that it was time to go home. I remember the days my cousins and I stayed over at my grandma's, and we would talk to each other till the wee hours of the morning, we would have pillow fights, we would record the three of us singing S.H.E songs and imagining we were a girl band.

That went on till I turned 15, where we got exposed to TJM - the church that my grandma has been going to since forever. There, we found God. And honestly, even up till today, even though I don't even go to church anymore, I would say that was the greatest thing that's ever, ever happened to me. Church brought the three of us even closer to each other. That period of my life was one of the best times of my life.

For the next two to three years, even though I'd stopped going to church, the three of us were still close. I remember I would go over to my aunt's (their mum's place) for dinner and I'd always have more than a serving of rice because I loved my aunt's curry chicken. At that point, I was particularly close to C. I remember one period whereby I was really depressed because I was going through a very bad break up. C was there for me. She met me almost everyday, introduced me to all her good friends... People who didn't know would've thought we were sisters. She taught me how to enjoy pasta the right way, HER way, which I've since adopted. We even bought couple rings, believe it or not.

And then we started changing. We started growing up, and we started changing. And in Jan '09, smth really dramatic happened and we had the biggest quarrel of our lives. I don't recall much of what happened after that but what I do know is that I did try to make up for it. I really didn't wanna lose her as a sister, a close friend, a confidante. After all, I loved spending time with her and I felt it wasn't worth it to give that all up because of that stupid quarrel. But C ignored all my attempts to make things better.

So naturally, the distance between us grew. And grew. And grew. Relatives wondered why we weren't as close as we used to be anymore. I didn't tell them much. Until later, when my mum told me that my uncle (C and R's dad) didn't like me to spend time with them because he thought I was a bad influence to them. And that was when I realized, maybe C had told everyone about what happened that night in Jan '09. Maybe C had told everyone about what a bitch I've been. I didn't want to believe that that was true, but at the same time I knew that there were things going around behind my back that I didn't know of.

Still, I let it slide. I found it pointless to confront C or R about it because it didn't matter anymore. Occasionally I still send C messages on FB telling her that I miss her, and I think of her everytime I eat pasta. I have never gotten a single response. I keep telling myself that she's just busy but I know I'm just deceiving myself.

The breaking point came today, at my grandma's birthday dinner. There were two tables - the "kids" (i.e the younger generation i.e my cousins and my sister) sat at one table, and the adults (i.e parents, aunts/uncles, grandma) sat at the other. I sat at the adults table. When C and R arrived, they hardly even acknowledged me. I did say hi to R though, but that's about it. To put it simply (and pathetically), I felt outcasted. As if that's not enough, after dinner, the two of them, together with two of my younger cousins, moved to a cleaner table and started playing some card game. I continued sitting at where I was, using my phone. It was the worst feeling ever.

All this while they have refused to talk to me about what really happened back then and why we have since become like total strangers. I have tried to probe, but I gave up after awhile because I wasn't getting ANY response at all. I guess I know what they're thinking. One thing for sure is that they probably haven't gotten over what happened in Jan '09, probably thinking I'm still a bad egg and they probably don't wanna have anything to do with me anymore. Another thing is that they're probably judging me because when I got tgt with N, I stayed over at N's on a regular basis, and they probably thought that I was a slut, I was loose, I was ditching my family for a guy and all that bullcrap.

I will make it clear right here that I don't think that it is right to be judged just because of that. I don't think I have done anything wrong in that aspect and if I am looked down upon because of that, then shame on you, really. They are Christians. And with all due respect to God, I'm really disappointed in their actions (or lack thereof). They make it seem like I committed some unforgiveable crime or smth... I still miss them a lot, but I don't know how to feel towards them anymore.

This evening's dinner has opened my eyes and shown me the true colours of the people I call my family, and my relatives. Just because I don't spend as much time with them, they judge me for who they think I am, and when I am around them, I feel like I have absolutely no self worth at all. I feel unwelcomed, as if I (and they) would be very much happier if I wasn't around.

Did I also mention? Even my uncle, whom I used to have utmost respect for, compared me to my cousins. Telling me how he preferred my cousins to work for him because they were more hardworking, more this, more that. And this was after I put in 100% of my effort to slog my guts out for his company. That's not all. During dinner he was whispering to my mum and I acted as if I wasn't listening but I overheard what they were saying. And what I heard made me lose all respect I had for him, not just as an entrepreneur but also as an uncle.

Maybe the fault really lies with me. Maybe I am really just a bad girl with a bad heart and a bad character. Maybe I really am undeserving of the respect and love that I yearn for from the people closest to me.

I give up.

So this is to you, Uncle J. I WILL make it someday, and I WILL gain back the respect and pride that you've stripped me of. Maybe not now, maybe not anytime soon, but I will. Trust me.

And to C and R, thanks for letting me know just how insignificant and unimportant I am to the both of you. I used to believe that blood runs thicker than water, but I guess I have been proved wrong. As much as it hurts me to say this, I suppose from now on, this is all we'll ever be. Relatives in name, but strangers otherwise.

2012-01-04T00:21:00.002+08:00

It's 2012 already. That's fast. Usually I'll make sure I blog on the last or second last day of the year, just to sum up the year and make my resolutions for the next year. But this year I didn't have the time to. Didn't really have the mood either. And to a certain extent, I don't see a point in doing so anymore.

How did I spend this festive season? I spent a couple of hours crying on new year's eve, new year's day, and the second day of 2012. Does this mean that 2012's gonna be a bad year for me? Hmm.

Actually on NYE, I made a decision to start afresh and start the year brand new. What better time to let go of a painful past and move into the next phase of my life, right? But well... I didn't manage to. You could say I lacked the courage, you could say I was afraid of the consequences. I don't know if I regret not sticking to my decision, because I spent the next few days feeling very vexed and frustrated. I hate making decisions, btw. I always end up making the wrong ones and having to deal with the regret that comes after. That's why I try not to be faced with difficult decisions, but I was forced to make one on new year's eve (and the two days after).

To be honest, it was one of the worst festive season I've had in years. I'm not gonna be fake and say I had an awesome Christmas and a crazy start to 2012. I did go out and have some fun partying (glad I did so btw), but overall I must say that I expected more. Not implying that it would've been better if I'd gotten myself dead drunk and stuff like that, but it definitely wasn't fun having to spend this festive season trying to untie the knots in my heart.

Maybe that explains my lack of mood of late. I need to talk to someone, anyone, but at the same time I don't feel good burdening someone else with my problems. I haven't been this confused in a long time. All this while I'd been living my life day by day, taking a step at a time, not having to worry much about anything (except money of course, I worry about that everyday). And then suddenly I have to think about my future, what I want in my life, what I want from my partner, what my partner wants from me, what I should do with my heart...

I am so tired from all that thinking. So exhausted from trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to do. I can never come to a conclusion because I know that whichever route I take, I will end up regretting it anyway. I guess it's in me to always want things I can never have.

2011-12-29T22:54:00.002+08:00

Today I am sick again. It's 3 days to the new year and I'm sick. What the fuck.

Today I am also very pissed. It's the 29th, and N doesn't even remember it. I'm sure he thought that I've forgotten too, but the fact is I woke up knowing that it was the 29th and waiting for him to bring it up. Doesn't help that I have been feeling shitty the whole day 'cos of the on and off fever. I still remember the time N came over specially to bring me medicine because I wasn't feeling well, and I thought it was a really sweet gesture... Oh wait, that was two years ago, before we even got together.

Two years later we've started to take each other for granted. We don't do all these little things for each other anymore. I'm starting to believe that we're staying together now purely out of habit, and not out of love at all.

The other day my sister asked me, "what happened to your relationship? How come suddenly become like that?" I didn't know how to answer her. In the end I told her that I was tired. Not particularly tired of him, but tired of having to face all the stupid problems in the relationship. But I guess ultimately the fault still lies with me. If I'd been a good girlfriend from the start, maybe we wouldn't have to go through this now.

Well, at least for tonight I'm alone at home, and I can be emo and cry my heart out and no one will know. I will allow myself to be sad for tonight. Just for tonight.

2011-12-23T14:36:00.003+08:00

Christmas is in 2 days. Somehow I don't feel excited at all. I don't know, I haven't exactly been in the best of moods for the whole week. I feel like something's not right with me, but I don't know what, and I don't know what I can do about it either.

Monday turned out to be a horrid day, btw. It wasn't that I was unprepared, really, but I guess at the end of the day, the disappointment killed me. I can't explain it well in words... I didn't expect to be appreciated or thanked, but I didn't expect to be fucked for putting in effort, either. I walked out of the meeting halfway because I couldn't take it anymore, and the moment I stepped out, I broke down and cried. Again.

I don't remember ever feeling like this. You could say I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, because after all, everyone faces this kinda stress, and not everyone gets so affected by it. But honestly, I couldn't control it even if I wanted to. I don't know how to describe the emotions that surged through me at the meeting. I was furious and all I wanted to do was stand up and slap her across the face. At that point, I knew I just wanted to leave and never come back.

I thought I'd wiped my hands clean of this shit on the day I made the difficult decision to leave. But I was wrong. Things just aren't as simple as they appear to be. There's gonna be more of this shit coming my way in time to come...

--

I think I've listened to this song at least 100 times on repeat over the past one week.

ภาวนาให้ใจที่เจ็บจงเข้มแข็ง
แม้มันจะไร้เรี่ยวแรง จะฝืนลุกยืนให้ไหว

2011-12-18T16:17:00.001+08:00

I haven't been here in a long time. The past few weeks have been really crazy. I don't know when or how it started, but all of a sudden it seems as if I've allowed work to dominate my entire life which has made me a lot more stressed than I should be at this point. It's scary. Out of 10 dreams I have, 9 are about work.

Last Thursday was the worst, though, because that was the day I discovered how I'd been manipulated and made use of by someone so cunning and despicable. And that someone made me see a side of myself that I never knew existed. I don't know which one affected me more at the end of the day - the hurt, the anger or the hatred - but what I do know is that I was so completely consumed by what I felt at that point in time that I just broke down and cried.

It wasn't like me at all. I'm the kind of person who would fight back with vengeance, without even stopping for a moment to allow the tears to fill up. I felt really stupid for letting one person ruin me in that way. I felt stupid for believing that I would be rewarded and appreciated for the effort that I put in. Even up till now, even after I told her that I was the one who fucking covered her ass when she needed help the most, she is still trying to pit herself against me, she is still coming up with all the fucking cunning antics to make herself seem like she's the angel and me, the devil.

Well, tomorrow we'll find out how true that is. One thing's for sure, I'm not giving anymore chances. At least not to someone who doesn't appreciate it at all.

--

In other news, because I had been so stressed for the whole of last week, I was glad that Shirley asked us all to her workplace for some drinks last night. 2 bottles of Martell sure was a good enough way to destress. I don't remember much of what happened last night, but I do know that for the most part, I was happy. And I guess that's all that matters for now.

2011-12-04T10:23:00.002+08:00

I'm sick. Really sick. It's been long since I fell ill and I think I'd kinda forgotten how it feels like to be sick. Woke up this morning feeling feverish and now I can't get back to sleep anymore. Sigh.

I remember back in 2008 when I fell really ill. I remember the medicine and note that X left at my bedside before leaving for an important gathering. I remember waking up and reading the note and feeling really blessed because I felt like I was truly cared for, even if there was no one physically there to look after me.

From my blog post on March 29, 2008

I doubt I'd ever fallen so ill in my life before. I spent the rest of the day in bed, all the way till 1630hrs, Friday. Which meant that I was bed-ridden for 24 complete hours, having to take my medicine every two hours. My only meal(s) was a small bowl of really bland porridge :(

Attended training at SPE at night anyway, but I didn't train. I'm feeling better already, all thanks to no one other than my Fatty!

Without you, I would have long given up on myself when the medicines didn't work on me. Who would cook porridge for me at two in the morning, wake up every two hours to feed me my medicine, & not give up on me even when I gave up on myself? Although I threw tantrums & got frustrated w myself, it was you who told me that frustration wouldn't be of help to the situation; it was you who calmed me down & held me when I felt as if I was gonna die of the pain.

--

This time I'm alone. I woke up feeling like crap and there was no note at my bedside, no medicine or water prepared for me... Nothing. I guess that was the reason why I thought back to 2008. Because that was the first and only time I felt so loved, like I wasn't just left to fend for myself when it was clear that I didn't have the strength to. Today I just feel sad. Sick and sad.

How I wish I could have someone who cares as much to be here for me at this moment when I'm feeling so shitty and needy.

2011-11-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can't help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you've crossed, it's almost impossible to go back. But, if you do manage to make it back across the line, you find safety in numbers.

2011-11-22T19:19:00.002+08:00

N is right. It's about time we end this. I guess this is some sort of a silent mutual agreement, and this is smth we both want, but this is not smth we can do. Or rather, this is not smth I can do. I'm not strong enough. I will not deal with this well, I know that for a fact. As much as I know that time will heal the wounds, it's much easier said than done.

So everyday we go through this daily motion. Of somewhat being in a relationship, but with the knowledge that we don't have each other's hearts anymore. The fact that this has happened to both of us isn't just our fault, I'm pretty sure. There are so many people and factors I'd like to put the blame on, but I guess now that we've come to this stage, there really is no point anymore.

I'm slowly reverting back to the life I used to lead. I've started drinking a lot more than I used to, even on Thursday nights even though I have work the next day. I have the urge to drink more frequently these days, and I pretend that its just because I'm stressed at work, though I know that's not true at all. I drink because for that few hours I don't have to care about anything or anyone. I can get myself piss drunk and no one has to know. I like being intoxicated because I forget all my problems, I don't have to put on a facade and act as if I'm ok when I'm not.

I don't remember how it feels like to be genuinely happy anymore.

2011-11-20T15:32:00.005+08:00

Just a few hours ago Tim texted me to ask me to go for some army dinner. I've heard about it and what I know of it is that it's some formal dinner and the guys have to bring a date along. And Tim asked me. To say I was honoured is an understatement. I remember Tim and I used to talk on MSN every night, back in the good ol' JC days. We talked about pretty much anything, from school to relationships to life in general. But it's been awhile since I last saw him and I'm quite sure I don't really look the same anymore.

I was completely honest with him and I told him that I've grown fat. I told him that I'm now twice of who I used to be, and it would be utterly embarrassing for him. It's sad that I had to say smth like that of myself. But the truth hurts, and it hurts even more when you're saying it about yourself. Yet I don't wanna live my life in denial, either.

People say it doesn't matter how fat/ugly you look as long as you have confidence, but that's just the greatest lie ever told. People who say that probably don't even know how it feels like to be different from everyone else. They probably don't know how it's like to feel inferior. And people who're stick thin yet going around complaining every.fucking.day that they're fat? Seriously... Get the fuck out and shut the fuck up. If you're seeking for reassurance like "hey no you look gorgeous man!" or "aww why say that about yourself? You're not in the least bit fat!", then you're really fucked up, because you acting humble just disgusts the shit out of people like me.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, YES I am jealous. I'm not gonna deny it, I am jealous of people like that. I see tons of them on Facebook/Twitter all day and I think they are in no fucking position to complain day in day out about their looks or figures when they are perfect as compared to me. Btw, this only refers to people who were born that way, and not people who work hard for what they've got.

And if you're thinking I'm being a brat by complaining and not doing anything about it, then you obviously haven't been in the know about what I've been up to recently. Not like you should bother too, anyway.

I'm sorry this post sounds angsty. I am feeling pretty angsty right now in fact. I'm just sick of being fat, and not knowing what to do about it. Exercising doesn't make me lose weight fast enough, so now I'm trying out some slimming coffee thing. I know about the side effects, but heck - I would try anything. Even if it's at the expense of my health.

2011-11-16T00:11:00.005+08:00

I was just looking through Facebook and I chanced upon J's wedding photos. She looked gorgeous. I remember back then when we were talking about our future and she said smth like she might never get married because she thought she'd remain a lesbian all her life. Well, time (and a great guy) proved her wrong. She looks really, really blissful now.

That kinda made me think about my future and how it's gonna turn out. The other day I had a nice talk over dinner with my mum, and we talked about my future. She asked me if N was serious with me and whether he planned to marry me in future. I guess my mum and I (and many other people perhaps) share the same view - that you date someone to marry him/her in the future.

I didn't know how to answer my mum. How do I tell her that N avoids the topic like a plague? How do I tell her that whenever I try to have a serious talk with him about it, he gets annoyed and pissed? How do I tell her that I, too, am afraid of wasting my youth with him because we may not even get married in future? Eventually I chose to tell her the truth. I told her that we talked about this just once, and he told me that he doesn't wanna think about starting a family before he reaches the age of 30.

I could tell my mum was a little disturbed by that. She started to doubt if he was serious with me. She told me that by then, when he becomes rich and successful, he would have no lack of girls to choose from, so why would he stay with me?

I've thought about all of that before. I guess at the end of the day, I still stayed on in the relationship because I sincerely believed that he isn't as irresponsible and uncaring as he makes himself out to be.

I can deal with all of this myself, but how do I explain to my mum? How do I let her know that she doesn't need to worry for me? After all, I can completely understand how she feels. She is not wrong to think that I'm wasting my youth on someone who might not even be worth it in the end.

What she doesn't know is that I'm fighting this battle with myself everyday, all day long. Just because I don't say it aloud doesn't mean I'm not troubled by it.

2011-11-15T13:22:00.003+08:00

Blogging while in office. Not smth to be proud of, but well.

Did I mention I'm back at JCM? Or what I'd like to call my "comfort zone". When I left here a few months back, I told myself that I probably won't be back anymore. I told myself that the next time I attempt to look for a job, be it a full-time or temp one, I won't return to my comfort zone. Not that it's a torture working here or anything like that, it's just that I think it's better I gain experience working somewhere else. But alas... I'm back here.

Nothing much has changed. Everything's still pretty much the same as when I left in July. But I guess this time my mentality's slightly different. I don't feel exceptionally motivated to come to work despite knowing that I get paid to keep myself busy in the day. I guess maybe it's that I only have ~2 months of break, and I don't really wanna spend it working. But then again, no work = no money so how much of a choice do I have?

2011-11-08T01:42:00.001+08:00

I hate being fat, because it makes me feel like I will never be good enough for anybody. I know this sounds very ridiculous and too superficial, but really - who would want a fat girlfriend?! And please. Don't give me all that bullshit about how inner beauty is more important. You and I both know that a good heart doesn't make up for a shitty face and a flabby body. That's not how things work anymore.

And well. I won't be surprised if this happens to be the real reason why.

--

Somehow I can't help wondering if things would have turned out differently if we were in a different situation. Somehow I can't help wishing for things to have turned out differently.

2011-11-04T00:37:00.003+08:00

Zouk last night. Haven't been to mambo in like... A year. Not that I like mambo anyway, since I don't know any of the steps. Wasn't really keen on joining them initially, but I got persuaded by Jon, and I guess at the end of the day, I'm glad I went. Sort of released all the stress that had built up due to the bloody exams.

Drank at the riverside with Ben, Jon and Vic before that. Finished a bottle of vodka + a little bit of Chivas. Somewhere along the way we agreed to give some of the vodka to the ang mohs near us 'cos we thought we wouldn't be able to finish it. We regretted it afterwards though. Hahaha.

Walked to Zouk feeling really tipsy. In fact, all of us were tipsy and no one was really talking sense. Hesitated for a bit before we headed in. Met Michelle and the rest, then we got a jug of vodka and shared it amongst us before we went onto the dancefloor.

The music was ok, a lot of mambo music which we didn't really fancy... But the good thing was that the dancefloor wasn't as packed as I thought it'd be. Left for Phuture awhile later. Too crowded for my liking, but the music was good. Stayed there till the lights came on, then we chilled outside for awhile before we all left for home.

T'was a good night out. I'd kinda forgotten how it felt like to let go of all my worries and just let loose. I used to do that every weekend, but then I stopped, and in a way I guess I stopped having fun, too. Oh well. One thing I definitely don't miss is the hangover, though. Woke up with a terrible headache this morning and I was desperately trying to force the puke back down my throat. Ok I know that sounds really sick. Don't mind me... I'm not thinking straight now.

Goodnight.

2011-10-30T18:51:00.004+08:00

Earlier this afternoon I read this on Twitter:

Don't spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

When I was single, I yearned for someone to be a part of me; when I was in a relationship, I yearned for freedom. Now that I'm in between you'd think I'd be happier, but no, that's not what I want either.

I'm disappointed at how things have turned out. Perhaps it was foolish of me to think that I could have turned things around single-handedly. Convincing myself time and again that everything would turn out fine eventually. It's never gonna turn out fine, is it? It's just wishful thinking on my part.

I managed to win today's battle, but tmrw it'll come back to haunt me again. And even if I manage to fend it off tmrw, it'll just keep coming for me.

2011-10-20T16:27:00.002+08:00

In every relationship I've gotten into, I've only had one request: if you want me to meet your expectations, then I hope you can meet mine too. It's not a sarcastic statement, because I think my expectations are pretty reasonable and realistic. One of it is to not be treated like some come and go girlfriend.

I'm not obliged to be at your beck and call. When you want me there, I'm there, when you want me gone, I'm gone. What am I to you? A dog with no fucking feelings at all? Oh please, even dogs have feelings.

When I know that you don't have cash with you, I slip $10 into your wallet while you're sleeping so that you don't have to go through the trouble of withdrawing money for lunch the next day. I know you bathe in cold water every morning so I make it a point to wake up just awhile before you wake up and turn on the heater for you. When you're studying, you expect me to be understanding about it, but when I'm studying, you can't even let me use the study table. Think about it: what would you have done if YOU were the one studying and I did that to you?

These aren't just isolated incidents - you know that yourself. It's like you're living in your own world and you only summon me when you need me; when you don't, you expect me to stay the fuck away. If I refuse to, you say that I'm being unreasonable and not being understanding.

So why don't you tell me, what am I to you? I'm not your girlfriend, that's for sure. After all, both our statuses are set to single and in a way, that's a good thing. But you know what, it really doesn't matter. You may think that you still have all of me, but that's not true - you don't have my heart anymore. Not like it bothers you that much, anyway.

2011-10-19T16:53:00.003+08:00

I have changed. I am proud to say that I have changed. I have changed in every aspect, I have changed to become a totally different person. I couldn't see it for myself initially, but now I can.

To be honest, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. Change, really, is a double-edged sword. After all, nice people are always taken advantage of, while nasty people will always be on everyone's hate list. You see, I used to be stubborn and hot-tempered. In the past, any minor argument that involved me would eventually be escalated into a fiery quarrel. But these days I've become tame. Sometimes I'm meekly submissive, even. It prevents all the unnecessary squabbles - which is good, isn't it? Or so I thought.

Keeping quiet gives people the opportunity to trample all over me. It gives them power over me, because they know that no matter what they say or do, I'm not gonna retaliate. I'm just gonna sit there like a fucking dog, and listen to whatever they have to say, even if it hurts me to hear them rain insults on me.

Sometimes I ask myself, why do I put myself through all of that? Why do I keep letting people into my heart, knowing that they're gonna tear me apart anyway, knowing that at the end of the day I'll have to painstakingly piece myself back together again? Why can't I just find the courage to turn the fuck around, walk away and never look back?

Am I destined to always live my life this way?

2011-10-17T15:23:00.003+08:00

Last week I had a lot of time to update this space because my exams were still more than a week away and I still had time to slack. But well, exams start next week. Next. Fucking. Week. And I am so bloody unprepared.

The thought of not wanting to disappoint my parents is what's keeping me going. In fact, it's probably the only reason why I even bother opening my books/notes to study. I know my dad holds high hopes of me, but all my life I've been disappointing him. From PSLE, to O's, then to A's. And I really can't afford to do that again. This might just be the last shot I've got to show him that I can do it, and I really can't waste this chance.

Yet... There is so much inertia within me. Maybe it's because today's Monday. Monday blues. Or maybe it's because I'm just a procrastinator, and I don't wanna admit it. I'm way behind my study schedule and if I don't catch up, chances are, I'm not gonna be able to finish studying for the exam. I am so fucking screwed.

Then again, when am I not?

2011-10-06T00:42:00.004+08:00

Was reading back on my old blog posts and I'm feeling pensive. Again.

I think the one thing I really regret giving up on was Clique. Back then, the pain of losing X was too much to take and I really couldn't stand the thought of going for training and seeing her every Friday. It would've been too much for me to take. Yet being around the team was so much fun... It was such a tough decision to make, and up till today I still don't know if I made the right decision then.

This was what I posted on my personal LJ on 20th Oct, 2008:

If there's anything I regret doing, it would have been getting into that relationship in the very first place. Because if I didn't, I'd still look forward to trainings on Fridays, not trading that for any kind of alternate fun in the world. I'd still be there at after-training suppers at Old Airport Rd, and I'd still be XJ's lucky star. I'd play for next year's ENL with you guys, and fight for the shower rooms at KNC after training. I'd meet up with Az/ Mel for dinner before matches/ friendlies, only because everyone else doesn't end work/ school early. In other words... I'd still be a part of Clique.

Now, staying seems almost awkward. To have fun like I did, and to train like how I used to, seems almost impossible. If I stay, I know I will be restrained in the sense that I will not be able to shine. Not because anything else has changed, but because I will be too emotionally affected - and I know that for a fact. Yet leaving is difficult. How do you say goodbyes in instances like this?

Eventually I chose to leave, and that proved to be a huge mistake.

Being part of Clique, to me, wasn't a form of commitment. Fridays were days I looked forward to because of Clique. After I left, my Fridays just weren't the same anymore. I had nowhere to go, no other place I really wanted to be at, because I knew that my heart was at KNC, with the team. Whenever I saw group pictures of the team I felt envious; I felt shitty that I gave all of that up when no one put a gun to my head and forced me to.

I still remember:

Daffy spills water on court...
Everyone: WALAO EH!
Daffy: Sorry sorry! This is holy water! Daffy's holy water :D
Az: Whoever steps on it will go, 'Quack quack quack!'

and

Desi: Eh, that girl damn cool leh!
S: Which one?
Desi: There, the one in black! ... Oh wait, all three of them are in black.

--

Ah fuck, I think I just miss being happy.

2011-10-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

Just the other day I had a talk with V and I realized just how awful this society has grown to be. Why are people so judgemental, so superficial, so unaccepting?

I hate how the motivation for me to go for jogs more frequently these days stems not from wanting to stay healthy, but from losing weight so that I can look better. I hate that having a good heart isn't half as important as having good looks/a good body these days. Honestly, who the fuck cares whether you're a nice person deep down? Or rather, do people even bother knowing you on a less superficial basis? I hate how I've grown to be so conscious of myself whenever I dance in clubs, and I can't enjoy myself because everyone's probably looking at me and laughing at me, thinking, "look at that fat blob try to shake her ass... What a turn off."

I hate how I felt during the whole Brunei trip. I hate how I felt so humiliated just minutes before we were supposed to go out and welcome the guests in some fucking fairy outfit, because everyone looked stunning and I looked out of place. It was so easy for the rest of them to tell me "you're pretty as long as you have confidence" because I KNEW I wasn't, and I KNEW that the moment I stepped out of that changing room, people are gonna judge me. I hate how inferior I felt when I stood next to them, how I felt completely made use of because I was just a stand-in at times when the agency couldn't find someone better.

I hate how I think that I'm not good enough for anyone at all, how I'm not fit to be a daughter, a sister, a friend or a girlfriend. I hate that I don't love myself enough, yet I can't bring myself to appreciate who I am because I'm such a fucking failure.

2011-10-02T17:56:00.002+08:00

Sue is right. I am in a relationship with a guy who doesn't respect me at all. He doesn't respect me as a girlfriend, he doesn't respect me as a lady, even. Because if he does, he wouldn't be constantly hurling vulgarities at me. He wouldn't be calling me names.

This is not love, is it? This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not how I remember it to be.

But this is all my fault, anyway. I am largely responsible for the person he is today. And no matter how much I try to make up for it, nothing will ever be the same again.

2011-09-27T17:18:00.003+08:00

I know what's best for me but I refuse to accept it.

Life is unfair

2011-09-23T14:24:00.002+08:00

Earlier on I hitched a ride from my group mate because she was gonna be passing by my place and she offered to give me a lift home. She's tall, pretty, witty, cute and she drives a merc. Her merc, mind you. She is perfect in every single way, to put it simply. Life really is unfair.

I think I'm destined to forever live my life as a peasant - slogging my guts out to own a car, then working my ass off to maintain it... Sucks to even think about that. I honestly am not even dreaming of owning a merc, I'd be more than happy to have a car that can bring me around. Public transport is a bitch. Seriously. I spent an hour grumbling to myself, lamenting over the fact that I'll never be able to feel as fortunate as those who are born in well to do families.

Sure, I can compare myself to those in third world countries and it'd be an understatement to say that I'm really blessed; at least we don't have wars, or political conflicts, or natural disasters, or a corrupt government. But I still can't help wanting more. And that's what makes us human, isn't it? Desire is what makes us human, not contentment.

I make it a point to pray every night before I fall asleep. (I know, that sounds funny coming from someone who doesn't even go to church anymore, but let's not harp on that.) I start by saying, "thank you, God, for..." and then I'm stumped and I don't know how to continue. I end up just saying, "thank you, God, for everything you've given me and everything you've done for me", simply because I don't know what I can/should be thankful for.

You see, some people lead nearly perfect lives - they never have to worry about not being pretty enough, not being skinny enough, not being rich enough, not being happy enough. And then there are people who have one/some, but not others. Like some people whose hearts have been broken by fucked up jerks, but at the end of the day they can always return to a place called home, and similarly people who come from broken families, but have the love and support from friends to tide them through. There are also some who don't receive enough love from the people around them, but they have money. And money makes the world go round. Or at least that's how it is for me.

But really, what do I have to be thankful for? A home so chaotic that I try to avoid as much as possible? A family that's falling apart at the seams day by day? An unstable relationship that is fraught with problems and unhappiness? Maybe I can be thankful for my friends, but wait... Who ARE my friends? How come it seems as if I don't know who to call when I'm down and out? How come I feel like I'm just burdening my friends by letting them in on my problems? Why is it that these days, whenever I feel upset or bothered by anything, it doesn't even cross my mind to talk to a friend anymore?

--

Everyday that I am alive is a fucking chore to me.

2011-09-20T15:55:00.001+08:00

Whenever I'm sad, I tend to think a lot. I tend to think of the past, the present, the future. I tend to think of things I'd never think about on a normal occasion. Doesn't help that it's a rainy, gloomy day today.

--

Today I thought about DY. I thought about the times when we were still young and very much innocent, and although people might say that what we had between us was just puppy love, I'd like to think that we were truly in love. He was the kind of boyfriend every girl would dream about. He showed me how much he loved me by pampering me and giving me surprises every other day. He took the effort to make these surprises special, even though we were schooling and didn't have much money to splurge on unnecessary stuff. He never liked raising his voice at me, even when I got jealous and insecure. He was always soft with me, always giving in to me, never giving up on me or the relationship even when times were bad. He wasn't good at expressing himself, but he tried to do so every single time, knowing that I liked it when he could express himself well to me.

I still remember the day we had a huge fight and I threatened to leave him. He cried, and he literally begged me to stay. He was really heartbroken and it hurt me equally to see him this way. The quarrel ended with both of us in tears, hugging each other because neither of us wanted to leave the relationship. Even up till now, I haven't met a guy who'd cry over me the way he did. I haven't met a guy who made me feel as special as he made me feel.

And when we broke up, he sent me an email. He told me he was sorry for having to make this decision, even though he didn't know whether it was the right decision to make. He said I'd been the best first girlfriend to him, and he told me not to shoulder the blame of the break up myself. He apologized for all the times he was mean to me, and tried to let me know that it was never his intention to hurt me. I told myself then that I would never find a guy as sincere and wholehearted as him, ever.

--

N tries. He tries very hard, I'm sure of that. But somehow, perhaps like what he said, we just aren't compatible in every single way. It's ironic, though, because when we started out we could spend hours just talking about anything and everything. We had no problems baring our souls to each other because we could get along so well.

But I guess the dynamics of the relationship has changed. Time has moulded us into two completely different individuals who have different visions and goals in life, and hence, different priorities. We work really hard to keep the relationship going but it just never seems enough, and although I'm not someone who'd give up on anything so easily, I can't say the same for N.

I love him though, and I'm sure he loves me too, but I suppose we just don't know how to face the problems in the relationship anymore. It always seems like for every solution we think of, there's always a misfit between the problem and the solution. Still, I hope we never give up trying to work the solutions out, because I know we're worth all this effort and time.

2011-09-14T19:50:00.001+08:00

I feel more alone than ever right now.

Maybe I should have trusted my gut instinct right from the start. That if a relationship starts with uncertainty and a struggle to forgive, then it can't possibly be a good one.

I think I was too quick to forgive back then. Maybe I should never have allowed my heart to soften when I received your flowers. I should have said no to you, knowing that if you could have hurt me so effortlessly then, you could always do it again and again and again and again. And again.

You make it virtually impossible to trust you.

2011-09-14T02:17:00.003+08:00

It's been a busy day.

I dragged myself out of bed at 6am for school. Struggled to stay awake during lecture, which was a chore. Accounting's getting more difficult with each lesson. I nearly died from the lecture.

After lunch, I sat myself down and tried to study for Marketing. But I failed, and I decided to head home to take a nap instead. Upon reaching home, I remembered that I had notes to print. After I was done with all that, it was nearly 4pm. I took a quick nap, then left the house.

Went to the agency to return the props for the Brunei trip. Hurried down to PS to meet Sam for dinner and to study. Settled at Starbucks and studied Econs for a good 3 hours. Attempted the MCQ and realized that it wasn't that easy after all. Still contemplating if I should go for tmrw's optional test - if I don't do well it'll pull my overall grade down instead. And I haven't exactly finished studying for it yet.

Came back around midnight and scrambled to finish my Biz Com assignment which is due today (Wednesday). Just done with it, and I'm told that we're supposed to start on our second assignment already. Ah, fuck that for now. Supposed to continue studying for Marketing, but I'm so shagged and I just wanna dive into bed right now. Doesn't help that N is all snuggled under the comforter and enjoying a good night's sleep.

Haven't felt this stressed in a long time, and the family situation at home is making things much worse. Thank God I'm not home. I can't imagine living with the tension at home, AND the stress from school. I think I'll probably collapse. Sometimes I wish the parents could understand more, but how could they, when the only person I thought would understand can't even be happy for me? Hurts me to know that she might never be supportive of anything I do, any decision I make.

--

It's been a long day. I don't wanna think anymore. Just can't wait for this week to be over. Although it's not as if next week will be any better, what with even MORE assignments + the fucking Marketing project, which is seriously a pain in the ass.

Life sucks.

2011-09-07T21:07:00.001+08:00

Today N told me smth along the lines of:

"All the little changes you've made for me don't mean anything; unless you've changed completely, I can't accept it."

It made me feel like all the little things I'd done to change myself were futile and pointless. It made me feel like I'd been trying for nothing, because despite the many times N told me he doesn't need me to perfect, he still can't accept my flaws, and he probably will never be able to. It made me feel like shit, to put it simply, and I bawled my eyes out.

We agreed to change slowly but surely for each other, and we agreed that we'd appreciate it even if the change was small. But I guess when it comes right down to doing it, it's pretty much impossible.

N shouted at me, he called me a bitch, he said "fuck you" and asked me to "fuck off" countless times. I told him to stop, because I was on the edge and I couldn't take the emotional abuse. But he couldn't control himself. And at times like these, I hate myself for who I used to be, because this is exactly what N has changed to become - the beast that I used to be.

In the first few months of our relationship, N never picked a fight with me. He was always accommodating, even when I raised my voice at him. He was full of patience, and I loved him so much for that. I, on the other hand, was overbearing and demanding, and I expected him to be perfect for me. I couldn't and wouldn't settle for any less. But I changed for the better on the day he threatened to leave me, and therein lies the difference.

I think N would be more than happy now if I were to leave him. After all, he doesn't need me as much as I need him, and it's also pretty safe to say that I love him more than he loves me. This fact actually hurts a lot more than I make it out to be, in case you're wondering how I can sound so casual about it. I suppose that's largely because I've kinda accepted it, although I still feel sad thinking about it.

Still, I think the relationship is improving (N thinks otherwise though). At least we're not quarreling on a daily basis anymore, and I can see us trying to avoid the kind of quarrels where we feel so angry that we'd do anything to have each other murdered at that moment.

It'll get better, I'm sure. If all else fails, having the confidence and optimism to face the problem always works, right?

2011-09-01T15:37:00.001+08:00

In another 2 days' time I'll be leaving for Brunei. It's a short trip, I'll be flying on Friday and returning on Monday. I feel pretty neutral about it. A little psyched, yes, but that's about it. No sleepless nights, no excessive excitement, despite this being my first trip overseas with a fun bunch of girls. Well, after all we're there technically for work, and that takes away some of the excitement.

But I think to a large extent, I'm scared. I still remember the Korea trip, and how I spent a night at the ski resort crying in the shower and ruining just about the whole holiday because I couldn't stop thinking about how a person could change so drastically in a span of just a few days. I was shocked and disappointed, to say the least, at how he'd changed to become someone completely unrecognizable. I still remember how hard I tried to seek answers from him, how he told me just the day before I left that he would be waiting for me to come back. I left the country full of hopes and excitement, but came back wounded and empty. I won't ever forget how that feels.

It's not that N is any less trustable than he was, I think the problem just lies with me. I'm scared of everything, so much so that sometimes I really think I'm just not worthy of loving and being loved. And poor N, because he's always on the receiving end of my insecurities and he has to bear the brunt of my fear and whatnots, even though he wasn't the one who solely caused it.

But I've been trying to mend the broken parts of myself so that I'll be whole for him again, and I'm not looking at giving up anytime soon. Even if it kills me, I'll make this work.

My sister told me this:

2011-08-28T16:19:00.003+08:00

"If I were you, right now I'd be doing everything I can to save this relationship."

She's right. I have used up all my chances, and I don't have any left. This is my last shot, and it'll be my best shot.

2011-08-19T13:40:00.003+08:00

我等等笑容换成泪痕
爱在崩溃的时候比较真

It is pretty easy to tell when a person's heart has changed. You can see it in his eyes; you can see it in the way he looks at you. When you look into his eyes, you don't see love anymore. You see indifference instead. You can feel his exasperation when you're down and out - he can't care less, but he hugs you and tells you it's ok anyway because it's his duty, his obligation. You lie on his chest and your hearts are beating so close together, but they're no longer beating as one. You can feel that they've become two separate entities altogether.

Most importantly, you know that the relationship is no longer bound by love when he falls asleep on you while you're crying right next to him.

--

I have been crying every night for the past 3 nights. I haven't had much sleep and I look like shit in school. I let out a desperate plea for help and my sister has helped me to find a counsellor. I'd like to see a psychiatrist so that I can be prescribed anti-depressants, but a psychiatrist probably costs a lot more than a counsellor and I don't have that kind of money.

N doesn't really care much. Last night I broke down and cried for nothing at all. N looked at me with false concern and tried to make me feel better. But I felt worse, because him hugging me at that point made me feel exactly like how I felt in the dwindling months of my relationship with X. It was a responsible hug. A hug that he knew he had to give, not because he wanted to give.

My heart is heavy and my eyes hurt. I don't see the light anymore.

2011-08-08T22:22:00.002+08:00

"I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time -- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it's always been.

--

Dear God, I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself more space to discover what I look like and talk like when I'm not trying to merge with someone. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn't look so good. It's been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail? Think of it this way -- if you'd had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn't they eventually take your driver's license away? Wouldn't you kind of want them to?

I'm exhausted by the cumulative consequences of a lifetime of hasty choices and chaotic passions; my body and my spirit are depleted. I feel like the soil on some desperate sharecropper's farm, sorely overworked and needing a fallow season."

2011-08-01T14:31:00.000+08:00

听你说声爱我真的好难
曾经说过的话风吹云散

How am I supposed to feel when the man I love tells me that I am not his priority? That he wants to work on building his career, and hence his relationship doesn't hold as much importance? The first time I heard it, it hurt like fuck, but I took the time to try to understand and accept it. I heard it again a few days back, and it still hurt, and I came to realize that acceptance doesn't come as easy as I hoped it would.

I am the sort of person who would give up the world for the one I love. Stupid, yes, but as they say... Love makes people stupid. And even if it kills me to accept smth that pains me to think about everyday, I still would.

So I think that's what it's been for N and I. Blind acceptance on my part. I tried to make N see that it is not easy to accept his wild dreams and ambitions, because I have always dreamt of leading a simple yet fulfilling life. But somehow this is a basic expectation of his - that I am naturally understanding and accepting of what he wants to pursue. And I guess that's really proven to be the greatest obstacle for us.

I really hope to be able to meet his expectations, but everytime we quarrel, I realize that for all the times I thought I was "almost there" to reaching his idea of perfection, I'd just been deceiving myself because I will never be perfect for him.

2011-07-25T12:46:00.002+08:00

Over the past 2 years, you have gotten all that you wanted.

You wanted to strike out on your own. We spent days and nights in front of the computer, just so that you can achieve your goal.

It fell through. We invested money, time and effort in it and it fell through. No, you gave up on it.

I advised you not to give up on it. You insisted that you weren't. But neither did you do anything to show that you were still working on it.

You forbade me to speak of the future, even though you knew that I needed a clear vision of the future before I could move ahead. You knew that I had nothing much to look forward to, and everyday had become meaningless to me. Still, you were adamant that I shut the fuck up about the future and just silently stay by you, despite being fraught with fear and uncertainty. I did.

You told me you wanted a simple life, a life with no drama. And that was what I wanted too - a simple life. But as it cruelly turned out, simple held different definitions for us.

And now... Here we are. Stuck. Again. Because you want me to be happy for you, and I have absolutely no idea why I can't bring myself to do it.

I know you want the world. And without it, you will not be happy. But I have grown a lot more selfish in these 2 years. I can't go on making you happy and making myself miserable. You want to achieve so much for yourself. But haven't you thought about me and what I want? You say I'm being selfish, but have you ever cared about how I felt?

--

Everyday I pray for courage.

2011-07-20T23:22:00.002+08:00

She came close, but she will never be able to replace you.

I haven't been very happy these days. N says there has been some really "bad air" between us and he thinks that the love between us has faded. Usually when he says smth like that I'll rebutt with a "why do you always have to say smth like that when it's not true at all?" but I kept quiet this time.

I think it's true, and after letting that fact settle in, it actually kinda hurts. I have been very bothered lately, there's smth weighing on my mind but I can't quite put a finger on what it is. I think... I think it is that I miss you. I think I really, really miss having you around.

You would've known exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. You had the ability to make me feel good about school, work, everything. These days I feel as if life has lost its meaning and that there really isn't much to look forward to in life. In fact, I've been feeling this way for quite awhile already... But when you were still around, these thoughts never existed at all. Even if they did, they were sub-conscious and these dreadful feelings definitely wouldn't have surfaced while I was talking to you.

But gone are the days where I could openly and explicitly express myself and my feelings. Gone are the days where I had someone to remind me how good I was, how I wasn't that much of a failure, how I was perfect in every way that God had meant me to be.

Many times I wonder if things would have been different if you were still around. Many times I still feel the anger that never really left me when you left. But then again, you were right - at least things didn't turn out that ugly. Everytime I feel this inexplicable anger, I console myself by telling myself that it could've been much, much worse.

Still, I would give up the world for things to go back to how they used to be...

2011-07-15T12:43:00.000+08:00

I screwed up.
And I'm sorry.

I think 'sorry' isn't what you wanna hear from me at this moment, but it's the best I can give right now.

I worked so hard to keep the relationship going. We worked so hard to keep the relationship going. But all it took was just one moment of stupidity from me, and everything went down the drain. Now it isn't so much about the fact that I have to start from scratch again. Now, all I hope for is for you to find it somewhere deep within you to forgive me. Nothing would mean more to me than that.

1 John 1:9-10
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

--

I have been the worst girlfriend, the worst daughter, the worst friend, and the worst believer of God. Ever.

Diet

2011-07-13T13:29:00.004+08:00

Been on a strict diet (or at least that's what it is to me) these days.

1030am: Reach office, have brunch
3-4pm: Tea break - nothing heavy, no sweet drinks either
7pm: Dinner - I try to avoid rice as much as possible

I have stopped eating late night suppers, when I'm hungry at night I just fill myself with some non fat/low fat yoghurt and oolong tea. Speaking of which, I have replaced my intake of green tea with oolong tea. Used to hate it a lot, but at least it's better than plain water... Hahaha. Not that I hate drinking water that much either, but still.

Also, I try to do some abs exercises at home whenever time permits. Like last night before dinner I did 2 sets of abs exercises, which I felt wasn't enough, but my body seemed like it was gonna break anytime so I stopped at 2. I woke up this morning with aches all over and it felt surprisingly good. Felt like I'm finally on my way to losing some of that fats I've gained over the past half to one year. :)

--

Btw, I am pretty psyched about the Brunei trip in September because apparently we're gonna be having dinner with the Minister or smth!!! Glad I agreed to go in the end, at least it motivated me to actually lose some weight, hahaha.

2011-07-07T01:11:00.002+08:00

Last night:

Cried till 2+am
Sat by the window and smoked like there was no tomorrow
Talked to the sister till 3+am
Decided to head to bed
Couldn't fall asleep
Finally fell asleep close to 5

Today:

Went to work looking like a fucking zombie and wishing the day would just end soon
Tried to distract myself with work
Worked... For awhile
Came home, ready to kiss and make up
Ended up putting this song on repeat

I am gritting my teeth. I will not go to work with swollen eyes tmrw. Again.

2011-06-30T13:29:00.004+08:00

I fell asleep only after 330am last night (this morning).

There were so many things on my mind. I thought about them all. It was tiring. Perhaps I would say it was somewhat pointless too.

I keep telling N that I think I am falling into depression. I constantly have the feeling that I'm free falling into a dark and bottomless pit, like everytime I cry I lose a certain part of me, and I am this close to being reduced to nothingness.

N thinks that I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Maybe he's right.

--

These days, every little quarrel we have weakens our relationship, instead of strengthening it. We have reached a stage whereby we no longer have the patience for each other anymore. The only way we know how to appease our anger is by spiting the other party and scolding each other. We claim we love each other, but do we really? I have tried so hard to mend the pieces of our broken relationship. Once in awhile I still make mistakes, because I am only human. But I can truthfully and wholeheartedly say from the bottom of my heart that I have tried. Have you?

Last night I asked if it was possible to have the old you back. You said yes. And as much as I'd like to trust you on that, I am skeptical. For the past few months, you have told me the same thing. You keep telling me that you need time. I don't know how much time you need, and I try to refrain from asking you about it. But each time I think that we are finally on the road to recovery, everything spins out of control again. We get angry over petty matters, we lose our temper, we forget all that we said about being more patient with each other, and our words come out nasty, mean and vulgar.

Remember the times we used to spend our weekends just cuddling? We would cuddle and we would giggle and when your friends knocked on the door, we would be so disappointed because at that moment, all we wanted to do was remain in each other's arms for the whole night. Remember when, upon reaching home, the first thing you did was NOT to turn on the computer? Because it has become instinct now, that the moment you step into your room, the first thing you do is to turn on your computer. And I turn on mine too. And the computer becomes a wall. A wall that separates us from doing what we used to do as a couple. Perhaps it is that we prefer our virtual lives more than reality. Being around each other no longer is a form of bliss, but habit.

Remember how we used to visit the supermarket daily without fail, for nights on end? We were dead broke, but still we found joy in walking the aisles of the supermarket together, laughing about the silliest things, camping by the magazine rack because we didn't wanna waste money buying them, trying on the countless testers for facial products and whatnots. It was not important whether we made a fruitful trip, because even if we came back empty-handed, deep down our hearts were filled with joy and love.

Remember the silly games we used to play? Like how we used to make use of the coins from the fishing game to play poker, and all the other little things we used to do that we now laugh about? They might seem childish to us now, but I miss all of it. Because we were happy. We didn't let our problems get to us. We focused instead on enjoying each other's company. There was no air of tension between us, no animosity, no fear that at any point in time one of us would get pissed with the other and ruin the entire night. We were happy.

But now we are burdened with so many more problems, and we are slowly but surely letting the problems ruin our relationship.

--

Typing this post was a difficult task. For the past half an hour, I have been sitting opposite Angel, pretending to do work while holding back tears as the wave of nostalgia hits me with every word, every sentence that I type.

As much as I would like to promise myself that if this doesn't work out I won't fall in love again, I know that's virtually impossible.

Love is a drug.

2011-06-24T16:56:00.002+08:00

I know I should do it but I can't.

Many times I tell myself to just muster the fucking courage to walk the fuck away and to give you the freedom you yearn for so badly, but I just can't.

Perhaps it is that our relationship has grown to be too much of a habit. I have grown accustomed to life with you. I have imagined a beautiful future with you. I have never, throughout the course of this relationship, stopped to think how life would be without you.

And that's why it's so hard to accept that I should just let this relationship go. Because I know I will break apart at the seams, I will shatter into a million pieces and nothing or no one will be able to piece me back together. I will never be the same anymore.

Call it over reliance, call it dependence, but despite the creases in our relationship, I have always believed in us. I never thought that one day we would crack under pressure; I'd been so sure that we would overcome all odds together.

But now here we are.

Stagnant. Unfeeling. Unappreciative. Weary. Disappointed. Impatient.

I have learnt so much from this relationship. How to love a person in the most basic way ever. How to trust, how to have faith, how to believe. But the biggest lesson learnt? Inevitably, it is that love... Love is never enough. It is never enough to keep us afloat.

So fuck the people who say that love is enough to bring a relationship through the toughest seasons.

Because it is not.

Love will never be enough.

4 days

2011-06-23T13:03:00.002+08:00

to my birthday.

--

My birthday wish... Is just to have a happy birthday. That's all.

2011-06-14T14:19:00.002+08:00

Today I found out smth new.

I found out that there are people reading my blog. Ok, not just people, but to be specific, people who:

1) I don't even know/am not close to
2) probably don't even my name, for that matter
3) should not even know about my blog.

Not that my blog is THAT personal, because after all it's a public blog, but still...

Hmm. It's strange then how come my Nuffnang hits get lower each day. Then again, that's not the point.

Anyway.

So I am considering locking my blog. For real this time. It's nice getting random questions from strangers from Formspring once in awhile, but what makes it scary is that the people who asked those questions could very possibly be people from a forum I have been actively posting in since last year.

And after all the trouble taken to make sure my identity is not exposed to the God-knows-how-many members on the forum, I don't want to risk being exposed by smth so stupid like my blog.

I mean, it's not like I have much to hide, I just don't like details of my personal life being known to people whom I don't know no shit about. I'm ok with making friends, at least I'd know your name and you'd know mine and that'd make the friendship mutual. But the people on the forum aren't too keen on revealing their real names (which is understandable I suppose), which makes the people who read my blog neither friends/acquaintances nor complete strangers. Am I making sense?

To top it all off, N doesn't even read my blog that often anyway, so if I were to lock my blog I'd have benefits like:

1) Having only friends know about what's happening in my life
2) Being able to maintain the secrecy of my identity on the forum (though by now I don't know how many people from the forum would have already read this space)
3) Bitch about N freely :P

Sounds like a good idea, no? :)

2011-06-08T03:48:00.002+08:00

This is how amazing love is.

You give so much for love, you fight so hard for what you want, but at the end of the day when you reach the point of sheer exhaustion, all that doesn't seem to matter that much anymore.

--

I am tired but I've held on for so long that I guess I don't know how to let go anymore.

Or maybe it's that I just don't want to.

2011-06-01T16:49:00.003+08:00

It's Wednesday and I'm all alone in office because everyone's either out for a meeting or busy. It's good, I like being in office alone. Doesn't feel so stifling. I hate it most when everyone's in. The atmosphere becomes very tensed and the stress level starts to soar. Everyone gets flustered because everyone's trying to meet deadlines, especially when life in this industry is so fast-paced.

The worst part is that amidst all of that, you cannot ask questions if you're uncertain because the standard response would be "go find out yourself! Don't go around asking!". I hate it when that happens. I suppose it's because I grew up thinking that if I didn't know anything, it was only right to ask and clarify, instead of being all smart aleck and ending up doing smth wrong.

... Or maybe it's just that I'm not as pro active as this job requires me to be.

--

Anyway, the past few days have been downright awful. I received the acceptance letter for RMIT's Marketing course but even up till the point where I accepted the offer, I was skeptical. Didn't know if I made the right choice. I couldn't make a firm decision, especially after I realized that there was another course that might have been more suitable for me. I didn't dare tell N about it for fear that he would get angry with me for not doing enough research. But well, what's done is done. Now I just hope I'll get good classmates when school starts so that I wouldn't spend the next 3 years dreading school.

Apart from that, I've been getting random headaches/stomachaches recently. I don't know what's the cause, but I'm guessing it's stress. So much has happened in such a short span of time and all of a sudden I'm forced to accept so many things. I wish I could be like other girls, gracious enough to accept changes in their partners, understanding enough to respect their partners' dreams and ambitions. I told N I would be the best girlfriend to him from now onwards but I don't even have faith in myself. I keep thinking I will fail, and I keep thinking he will leave me just because I cannot be the best.

Talk is cheap, and I am so afraid that the promise I made to him would be an empty one. I don't want it to be. I want to be understanding, reasonable, loving, caring, accepting, pretty and skinny all at once. But for the past 16 months I have possessed none of those qualities at all. Yet for the past 16 months N has put up with all of that, he has given me countless chances because he loves me, because he is willing to give me the time to change for the better. I have disappointed him time and time again.

I wanted so much to let him go, to give him what he really wanted - the freedom to date someone who would love him more than I would, who would give him more than I can. But I am selfish, and I want him for myself, and perhaps that is what makes me so determined to change myself for good this time.

I once told myself that I never wanna suffer the torture of having to watch someone I love leave me again. I never wanna have to go through the pain of having to get over someone, of having to move on with life, of being haunted not just by memories but by guilt and regret.

So I have to let go of this burden. This burden that I've been carrying on my shoulders for a long, long time.

I have to let go of the fear of loss, the fear that came about when D, whom I thought loved me wholeheartedly and whom I was almost certain was The One, left me suddenly. I have to let go of the inferiority that was caused by X leaving me for someone whom I guess was a million times better than me. I have to let go of the disability to trust when DT showed me that monogamy just didn't exist in the real world today anymore.

I have so much to let go of. So much negativity, so much fear, so much distrust. And I have to start from now, before it gets too late.

2011-05-24T22:58:00.003+08:00

Today I found someone who shares a past so uncanningly similar to mine.

I must have sub-consciously felt it right from the start; otherwise how would I know? Why would I have felt/be feeling this way now?

--

I'm a sucker for stability. I reject change as much as I can because I fear change. But I am willing to give up all I've got right now, only if I had the power to turn back time and change how things could have turned out 5 years ago.

I still dream of you sometimes. I still question the real reason behind you leaving back then. I still think of you very, very much. Somehow I guess this sudden wave of nostalgia came about because fate had allowed me to meet someone who has been feeling the same way I felt 5 years ago. We both had to go through the pain of watching someone whom we truly care about leave. We both didn't dare to pursue a deep connection we felt for that one person we were most afraid to lose.

There were many decisions I've made and regretted. Some big, some small, some more significant than others. Do I regret what I did back then? Perhaps. Perhaps that is what led to me eventually having to watch you leave. But was there anything else I could have done to prevent it? I don't know. The memories are still vivid in my mind. If there's anything I will never be able to let go of, it'll probably be this.

Short update

2011-05-24T01:36:00.003+08:00

N: "What time do you have to go to work tmrw?"
Me: "12."
N: "Ok you wake up at 1030 tmrw."
Me: "Why so late?"
N: "Because I'll send you there."

:')

Sometimes this boy makes me so mad I feel like I could strangle him to death with every strand of my hair. But at times like these I love him so much I'd rather die than be without him.

:')

Formspring

2011-05-20T14:06:00.005+08:00

Today someone asked me a question on Formspring. It was quite unexpected, especially since I'm such an irregular blogger and I blog about nothing interesting at all so I didn't think that anyone actually visits this space anymore.

Anyway, the person asked me:

What do you see yourself doing in ten years time? (career wise and family wise)

And my reply:

Hmm. I haven't really thought of it. I only have a very vague idea of what I'd like my future to be like. Haven't thought in detail about what job I'd like to be doing, but I hope to secure a normal 9 to 6 job which pays well enough to support myself and my family. Doesn't have to be a high flying career, just one that doesn't leave me struggling to make ends meet. Family wise, I hope that by then I'll find someone who loves me enough to want to start a family with me, and who is also earning enough to support this family. I've always had dreams of myself retiring home to a cosy little apartment with my husband after work, relaxing on the couch in the arms of the one I love and just chilling after a long day at work. I know it sounds really absurd but well, it's a dream k!? As for kids... My partner has to love kids instead of shun them (some guys don't want kids because they say it stops them from focusing on their career etc etc... Heck, some guys don't even wanna get married cos of that!), and I hope to have two... But that'll have to come AFTER I find the person who loves me enough to want to marry me and start a family with me. Haha. I hope this answers your question! :)

--

I really hate it that I don't have concrete plans regarding my career. Like there are people who actually have ambitions and work towards it, whereas my only plan is to go with the flow and see where life brings me. I don't know, there's nothing that I really wanna do. All I want is to secure a job that pays me well and which I'm happy working in. I guess perhaps a career in the entertainment/events would be good because I'd prefer smth that keeps me on my feet, but I'm open to any other industry as long as it's not along the lines of insurance/property.

As for the family part... Well, that's gonna be hard to fulfill. 10 years is a long time to work towards it, but starting a family doesn't just involve me. I don't really wanna talk about it because that topic's a sensitive one and it seems as if it can and will only remain as a dream at best (sigh), so we'll just leave it at that.

--

That said, I'm glad for the person who asked me that question, because:
1) Nobody asks me anything on Formspring anymore;
2) It's good to know that there's someone who respects my dream and doesn't find it absurd (sadly I believe N actually finds it absurd);
3) There's at least one person who still reads my blog.

Back to work now!

2011-05-18T18:50:00.003+08:00

Just ended work, now waiting for N to come pick me.

--

Started work at JCM on Monday, back to the old working environment. Am I happier? Not really. You always think that the grass is greener on the other side but that's not always the case, is it. I miss working at TVC because of the freedom it offers me and of course, the higher pay. But given a choice, I don't think I'll return there. Don't ask me why, I don't know either.

Well, I'm gonna be stuck here for the next few months. Not smth really worth being excited about, especially because of the pay. Feeling really dreadful and down now. In fact, I've been feeling like this very often lately. Seems like I've been making too many wrong decisions in my life...

2011-05-05T00:40:00.003+08:00

Today I learnt that a relationship doesn't just consist of two people.

You have to love his family.
You have to love his friends.
And sometimes that really isn't as easy as it seems.

Why can't a relationship just be about two people?

Because when you love someone, you choose to love every other part of him which makes up his life as well.

Many times N and I have made plans which had to be put off/postponed because of his family commitments. Am I understanding about it? Sometimes. But not always, I admit. Most of the time N doesn't wanna let his family members take no for an answer, so he tries to accede to every request of theirs.

Like when he needs to help send his nieces to/fro school although he's always telling me that he cannot be disrupted from his work. I'm always asking myself why he cannot be as firm with them as he is with me. I am expected to understand his job more than anyone else, and for the most part, I do. I hardly question him about it and I hardly ever tell him to say no to them. But sometimes I think it's not fair...

And then there are times where I want to spend quiet times with him and they come knocking on the door, intruding our time alone and refusing to leave the room.

Also, how could I forget the time when I first brought Uno (that's the name of one of our hamsters) home, left it there just for one afternoon, and when we came back, Uno's house was an entire mess? The water bottle had spilled over, wetting his bedding, Uno was frightened and started to bite anyone who came into close contact with him. I was seething with anger, I was so furious with N's nieces but they weren't in any way related to me at all so I was in no position to scold them. I hoped for N to be strict and fierce with them, perhaps as a form of reassurance to me that he cared about how I felt regarding this whole matter. I'm sure he tried to discipline them the best way he could, but I ended up feeling more fearful that the incident would happen again.

That said, they are, after all, still kids. And can I forgive them for doing all that? Of course I can. But do I expect more from N? Maybe...

Then again, does the problem lie with N entirely? Maybe not... Like I once told N, 爱屋及乌. For the past 15 months, the both of us have worked so hard to iron out the creases in this relationship and everyday I learn smth new about being in a relationship with him. Since I have learnt today that a relationship doesn't just revolve around two people, it's time I start accepting it. It doesn't sound that difficult, and to some people it probably isn't. But to me, it's a big hurdle I have to cross and I really, really hope that someday I'll be able to...

--

P.S: It isn't just about the kids. There are of course incidents which don't involve them too.

2011-04-29T12:45:00.002+08:00

Everywhere, everything is about the elections these days and there's really nothing interesting to read up on anymore. Am I politically apathetic? You could say so. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes, when work gets boring and I'm looking to pass time, yet there's nothing to read up on except election-related stuff. This topic gets quite dry after awhile, no? Or maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Hmm.

To top it all off, N has suggested going for a Worker's Party rally this evening.........

And I have agreed to go with him. Does that make me less politically apathetic? :)

2011-04-20T14:50:00.002+08:00

It's the second last week of April. I hate the last two weeks of a month because that means that I'm left with very little money for the next 14 days. Fucking cash-strapped. Been spending way beyond what I can afford to spend because shopping is just so addictive. It wouldn't be that bad if not for the fact that I've been spending TOO MUCH on impulse buys.

N and I are adopting hamsters from someone who found them near a rubbish chute. 5 dwarf hamsters, to be specific. I'm stoked! Haven't had hamsters ever since I was 7 and I really love animals. Cute furry animals (rats are an exception... Are rats even furry in the first place?), so that leaves out all the weird house pests like lizards, cockroaches and... Um... Crocodiles?

He's thought of really strange names for them. When I talk about the hamsters he'll go, "let's name them 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5!" or "we'll name one of them Marsh and the other Mellow!" HAHAHA.

--

On a more serious note, I'll probably be going back to work at JCM. Nothing's concrete yet, I haven't spoken to T about resigning but I think I should do so soon. Gonna have to sacrifice a larger paycheck, but I hope it'll be well worth it...

And how could I forget about GENTING! We're almost done with the planning, decided on the dates and all and now all we need to do is get down to booking the tix and we're good to go! :) I know Genting isn't really the most exciting holiday location to pick but well, we've been yearning to go on a short getaway for so long, and since we're on a tight budget, I suppose we could settle for Genting. Can't wait can't wait can't wait! :)

2011-04-13T16:14:00.004+08:00

I miss you. And no one will ever love me like you do.

I hate times like these when I bring back what happened in the past. I hate myself for doing so but don't you understand? This is a scar that will remain etched in my mind and heart permanently. To read through all your posts about how you were feeling when you were with me. To know that you were thinking of her while you were with me, although you claimed you were over her. To know that even when I had been completely sure that I wanted to be with you, you were still thinking about her. To know that you had told me you missed me on the very same night you said you missed her.

You will never know how it feels, and you can try to explain that it shouldn't be interpreted the way I interpret it to be, but deep down we both know that those few words could only mean one thing.

I just wish you could have placed yourself in my shoes back then. I just wish you could have understood how heartbreaking it was for me. I just wish you wouldn't keep pushing me to be just like her, and steering our relationship in the direction that your relationship with her was going/had gone.

I know I shouldn't repeat this, and I don't mean to send you on a guilt trip all over again, but you really don't know exactly how it feels like to discover how you truly felt when you spent time with me. Your posts were all about her, her, her, her and her. Just like how (I assume) you try to cope with the guilt whenever I mention this, I have also been trying to cope with the memory of the pain I had to go through that very night. If this makes you feel awful, you must know that it makes me equally, if not more awful.

--

I hate times like these where I begin to doubt my decision. I can forgive but how could I ever forget? Each time I think of it, my heart breaks all over again. It haunts me.

I'm not perfect, but haven't I done enough? Why is there always smth for you to pinpoint about me? Throughout the course of this relationship, I have changed so, so much for you but it seems like it'll never be enough. You will always find me inadequate. We both have flaws, but I wonder if you know that to me you have always been perfect. Perhaps I don't say it often but to me, you were always, always perfect...

Yet it hurts so bad to know that I have never been perfect in your eyes.

Indignant

2011-04-12T15:55:00.003+08:00

Nearly 2 years. It's been nearly 2 years and I am still feeling this way. I have moved on, of course I have. Everyday I thank God for giving me the best boyfriend any girl could ever have, because N is truly second to none. I have moved on, and yet I just can't help but feel indignant.

It is not jealousy - I'm not convincing myself to think this way, because I know for a fact that there is only one person in my heart right now, and that person isn't you. Perhaps it is a bit of regret - regret that I wasn't wise enough to take the appropriate course of action back then. I ignored the advice from my friends, foolishly thinking that you would be more than willing to give up your relationship which you claimed was "unstable", for us. And when I finally realized that that wasn't gonna happen, I let my emotions take control and I couldn't do the right thing at the right time. I did smth rash, smth I do not regret doing, but smth I wish I could have done more wisely, more appropriately.

You do not deserve this. A liar, a cheater and a bastard like you really doesn't deserve to be loved by someone as forgiving as her. I wish I could tell her that if someone like you could do it once, you could very well do it again. Then again, you're so good at convincing someone of your "true" feelings for them, she probably would just believe your sugar-coated words of reassurance rather than the hard truth.

--

I still rmb what you told me on the day you sent me back from Arena. That you weren't "proactive" in these kinda things but the fact that you came all the way down to pick me up and sent me home must have meant smth. And I still rmb how you told me that you loved me, and how I doubted it so much because how could it be possible to love two people at the same time? To me that just didn't make sense.

And I still rmb the countless number of times we willed ourselves to end the relationship, but fell right back into it just because we, or rather I, couldn't bear to let it go, thinking things will sort themselves out in due time.

But the one thing I recall the most vividly, was when we were having supper and I asked you what you would do if one day she were to find out about us. You said that you would deny, you would deny it all the way, and you would ask her to produce some kind of proof, and even if she could produce some proof, you would still deny it. You would never admit to it, simply because you were afraid of losing her. You don't know how much that hurt me back then.

I let myself fall prey to all your lies, and even up till now I don't understand how I could have accepted all of that shit you threw at me. You are one helluva lucky guy, you know that? After fucking around and having so much fun, there was still one place you could go back to, one place you could call home. Whereas I had to battle with the conflicting emotions, whereas I had to be the one being tormented because I was the 3rd party in the relationship and the 3rd party would always be in the wrong. I was the person everyone would label as a bitch, a slut, just because you decided that you wanted to have some fun, some no strings attached fun, and I gullibly fell for your trap.

And it is because of that that I really don't believe in monogamy and loyalty anymore. After what happened with X, and subsequently what happened with you, I really don't understand how it is possible for me to ever trust anyone with my heart ever again, since I had already been in two relationships which didn't end well because of two people who didn't believe in staying faithful to the one they ostensibly loved/loves.

Sooner or later, I will ruin my relationship with N because I just cannot trust him enough, because I spend quiet nights mind fucking myself that he will fall for any girl out there easily since faithfulness isn't so much of a virtue anymore. Sooner or later he will leave me, because my insecurities are just impossible to appease, and he is tired of trying. Sooner or later I will ruin this relationship single-handedly, and when that day comes, who should I blame it on?

2011-04-08T10:26:00.004+08:00

FINALLY FRIDAY!

There's only 3 people from the QCT in office today. I like it this way because too many people makes it hard to concentrate while doing work. Not like I do much work anyway. Hahahaha.

So anyway. This week hasn't been too good. Haven't been in office much because my tummy has been acting up really badly again. Stupid sensitive tummy doesn't allow me to eat anything too oily/spicy, which makes me unable to eat just about anything yummy there is to eat. Ugh.

Still, the plus point of being sick is that I get to see N's caring side :) hehehe. The other day he came all the way down to pick me from work and send me home because my tummy was hurting so badly I couldn't get anything done at work at all. And he didn't complain or get angry even though he was really, really busy with work. Makes myheart all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it :)

--

Ok, abrupt end because I should really get back to work. T just came in to look at how I was doing and urged me to finish this transcript by today because I've been on it for the whole week. Which is a really long time to complete just one transcript btw. *instills (is this the right word to use? HAHA) some sense of urgency*

2011-03-31T10:11:00.001+08:00

Chiam See Tong on his Facebook [ http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=141268129239308] said:

"I ask myself today, what is my dream?
I can humbly say, my dream, at 75 years of age, is to be able to fly the flag for the opposition in Singapore by Fighting a Good Fight, to win a GRC in the coming elections.

Some people say to me, “Why do you still want to fight the next election in a GRC? It’s time to retire. It’s getting too hard for you.”

But you know, this isn’t a hard job.

In fact, it is harder to bring up a family with little income.
It is harder competing for jobs with foreign talents.
It is harder to look after a disabled child, or an elderly parent
It is harder to afford hospital bills for your family.
These, are hard jobs that Singaporeans are facing. And it will get tougher.

If Singapore Parliament is dominated by just the PAP, there will be a monopoly of ideas, and your voices may not be heard. I have chosen to fight my next election battle in a GRC, so that hopefully at least 3 to 4 other opposition candidates will be returned to Parliament together with me"

--

When Singaporeans go to the ballot box in the not too distant future, they will ask themselves a few very simple questions - did my life improve in the last 4 years or not? Is it harder to buy the things I need? How do I make my life better in the coming years? For the common people, the govt's job is not to build a magnifiicent city (that they cannot afford) or grow the economy as fast as possible (by importing labor) or build the most extravagent sovereign wealth fund in the world or be the world class hub for everything under the sun. For the common people, the govt's job is to make their lives better. When a govt does not do its job of taking care of the people and life become harder because of that, that govt does not deserve our support.

When medical cost increased, this govts response was simply to pass on the increased cost to the sick and their families by implementing means testing increasing the financial burden of Singaporeans during the most painful part of their life. When CPF was no longer sufficient for old age due in part to bad policies of the govt liberalising it for housing, children's education and medical care, the govt pushed the burden to us by forcing everyone to buy annuities stretching our already insufficient retirement funds further. Public transport fares are hiked often when companies running them claim that operating cost has increased. The burden is passed on to Singaporeans who later find out that the profits of these companies have increased...so did the pay of their CEOs. The govt's desire to turn this into a city of 6M caused our population density to rise to the highest in the world above New York and Hong Kong. We are packed like sardines in the buses and MRT and our housing cost has escalated much faster than our stagnant wages - dashing the dream of the ordinary Singaporeans to own a better home.

The answers to the questions Singaporeans will be asking at the ballot box are very clear. We need to bring this govt back to focus on the people, their quality of life and the promise of a better future.

Credits: http://singaporemind.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-election-your-life-your-future.html

2011-03-30T10:14:00.003+08:00

Random: yesterday N told me smth along the lines of "you're so irritating but I'm staying with you anyway". What could be worse than having your bf tell you you're irritating? :( f my life...

--

So. Coming back to work after a day of leave really sucks balls. Took a "magic mc" from work yesterday to spend the 14th 29th with the boy! Skip all the drama, and it was a fantastic day :) the arcade has become our favourite place because just 50cents could keep us occupied for about 30mins (Street Fighter IV)... Although I got a damn bad headache after that and N's eyes were so tired he could hardly open them.

Originally planned to have our fav Xiang Gang Mei Mei which we hadn't eaten for a long time, but it was closed. What a bummer.

--

This morning while on the way to work I was hoping/praying/wishing/begging to not have any work waiting for me in office because I was so tired and sleepy I was practically like a zombie on the train. And thank God, because when I opened my email this morning, all I had in queue was a 6-page transcript which I finished in 15mins! :) wish everyday could be like this...

当你

2011-03-25T14:53:00.005+08:00

Awwwww, my childhood song...

Was just randomly listening to songs on Youtube when I came across JJ's version of this song. Brought back such good memories :)

I remember back then I was in P5 or P6, and my best friend at that time was Sandra Chan Shing Wai, more affectionately known as Sandy. We would hang around the fitness corner during recess time and after school, playing with the pull up bar while waiting for our school bus and singing songs together. HAHA. If I remember correctly, she was actually quite a good singer... I can't recall much of the P5/P6 days now, sadly.

Oh, she also taught me how to play mahjong - I remember she invited me to her house one day and both of us sat on the bed playing the card version of mahjong.

Last I heard, she went on to study at NYGH, but we haven't kept in touch ever since we both graduated from IJ Primary. Sigh. How I miss those days...

-

Sorry for the random nostalgic post, I was just bored at work.

--

On a separate note, it's Fridaaaaay :)

*inserts Rebecca Black's nasal voice*

This week has passed surprsingly fast, what with the birth of Kasen and all... Can't believe there's gonna be another brat messing the house (and my room!) up, and ruining all the furniture/remote controls/THINGS, in general, at home. Time really flies. Seems like just yesterday that my sis just gave birth to Kei, and now Kei's already learning to talk.

I'm truly amazed at her level of intelligence. No really. Everyday she learns smth new, like a new word, or a new action, or a new way of letting us know what she wants. At times she can be such a brat that I can't help but scold her, but my heart always, ALWAYS softens when she gives me a sorry or scared look that I can't just ignore.

And now we're gonna go through all that again. Hearing Kasen learn his first word, watching him learn to turn, watching him learn to sit, then watching him learn to crawl, and finally watching him learn to walk and run. It's really, truly a joy. It's a kind of joy I would never trade for anything else in the whole wide world. Ever.

2011-03-21T16:27:00.003+08:00

Yet another weekend well-spent :)

On Saturday N and I went with his parents to the Night Safari. It was my first time there so I really didn't know what to expect of it, except that it was smth like the zoo at night. And well, yeah, it IS a zoo at night, except that it was a different experience altogether. Walking in the darkness was a little frightening, especially when the entire place is quite dimly lit... Which made it hard to spot certain animals at times.

But the animals were so cute!!! Especially the otter!!! I want an otter as a pet!!! Hahahaha it is too freaking cute omg. I really, really wanna live on an animal farm... I really love (furry) animals - even leopards :) but rats excluded of course. HAHA.

Sunday was Baby Tynshen's full moon celebration, we had really yummy Nasi Lemak for lunch :) after which we played mj (san que yi) with JL, and again... N and I suffered another financial defeat at his mercy. Sigh.

Then we met the rest of the guys for dinner at Mad Jack :) the burger wasn't too bad, much nicer than I expected it to be. After dinner, we headed to N's house, N and I baked brownies, after which we played Ugly Ugly with the guys!

--

I've been having very fulfilling weekends these days and I really dread going back to work every Monday. But thank God for N, he honestly makes things a lot better than they actually are. Never felt so much love and gratitude for anyone in the entire world before :')

2011-03-15T11:12:00.002+08:00

For a long time I've wondered why Monday is so far from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday. For a long time I've wondered why weekdays are 5 days and not 2 days, and weekends are 2 days and not 5 days. You could say that I've pondered over this issue for a long, long time, from when I was still in school till now.

But no matter how much I think, that doesn't change anything. I still have no answer, and I still have to deal with Sunday and Monday blues. I still anticipate the weekends, I still feel excited on or when it's nearing Fridays foolishly thinking/ hoping that Monday won't come so soon after Friday. I still convince myself every Saturday that there's still one more day, and that the weekends aren't over yet. I still convince myself every Sunday that Monday isn't exactly here yet, even when it's already midnight and I know I have to wake up in 7 hours to go to work. And on every Monday, I still look forward to Friday even though there're still 4 days of the horrid weekdays to get through.

Every week my mind gets fucked, over and over again.

--

I want to be happy.

2011-03-07T17:38:00.002+08:00

Just a short post before I end work :)

This morning I woke up feeling blue because it was Monday and I really didn't want the weekend to end. So I woke N up and told him how much I dread going to work today because I didn't want the weekends to end, and I complained about what a long wait it was, how many horrible days I had to go through before it was the weekends again. And he told me, "there wouldn't be any weekends without the weekdays, right? You have to get through the horrible weekdays to get to the awesome weekends!"

And that kinda motivated me a little, the fact that the weekends were so good just because the weekdays were terrible. At least that gave more meaning to the weekends, and we'd learn to appreciate it more... Which we did, over the past weekend :)

We window shopped in town on Saturday, then baked brownies at MIDNIGHT (hahahaha); spent our Sunday exercising with CL and JL - we played badminton followed by basketball, went home to bathe before meeting them to shop for groceries, went back to his place and the four of us had steamboat and watched soccer together, after which we went to McCafe to chill and play Monopoly Deal! :)

I really, really love happy weekends like these :)

(although going back to work on Monday proves to be too much of a chore...)

---

Ok gonna log off now to meet N for our 1-for-1 Macs burger!!! So hungry!

2011-03-01T17:41:00.005+08:00

Got just about 20 mins to burn before it's time to knock off. This week has been long and tiring so far. The Philippines side has cut down on their manpower and so that means that the quality of the transcripts will get worse from now on. Not only that, they now come in faster than they used to because they have eliminted the QC over at their end. So I have two transcripts in queue right now, one of which is 117 pages long. Sigh.

But I feel so fulfilled that I'm working to earn my own keep. Many times I've asked N why wasn't I born rich, why can't I afford to buy this and that... Even entertained amusing thoughts of investing in Toto from now on so that I can be an instant millionaire. But in spite of all that, I think nothing beats the feeling of fulfillment that fills my heart every evening when I push and squeeze with the FTs in the train, dead tired from working my ass off the whole day.

Of course I still dream of being rich. Who doesn't? But I really admire those who are thrifty despite being rich. Who don't find the need to show their wealth, not by words but by brands. N and his family is a perfect example. His parents are well to do. They are basically able to afford anything they want or would like to have. Yet in their house, you can hardly find any branded item. They buy the cheapest bread you can find in the markets, and instead of goods, jewellery and such, they splurge the most on food - which is shared amongst the whole family, inclusive of his sister, nieces, etc. Instead of buying luxury or sports cars which they can easily afford, they choose to get vans instead because that's more practical for their business.

And that's really why I admire these people so much. There's nothing embarrassing about telling people my boyfriend drives a van. There is nothing humiliating about it. It is not a car? So what? That doesn't mean they can't afford cars; they just choose not to waste money on smth so impractical.

--

The past few years have really made me open my eyes to many things. I do not deny that money is not important, it is still very much important and if I could I would still like to be rich. But it is the TRUE humility of rich people that warms my heart from deep within because I am at least comforted that there are people out there who understand the true value of money and who are not proud to announce that they are rich.

And that is smth that many people these days don't realize, or find it hard to realize. I have to admit that I might be one of those people too, if I were rich. But well, just for this reason... Thank God I'm not rich.

2011-02-22T23:59:00.002+08:00

It's midnight.

I want to sleep but I don't want to wake up to tmrw. I dread going to sleep and I dread waking up. I dread being awake because it hurts, I don't exactly know what hurts but I just feel perpetually horrid.

My heart feels so heavy yet empty at the same time. Is it possible to feel that way?

I have been avoiding everything. I have been running away for the past two days because I know that the moment I stop to think, I will break down. I will break down and I will cry and I cannot afford that, not when there's so much work to be done, so many other miscellaneous stuff to be settled.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Sometimes my heart feels so full, like it's gonna burst anytime. Sometimes it feels so empty, I'm desperate to fill the void within.

Not too long ago I promised myself never to succumb myself to these feelings ever again. But I always fail to keep to it, because I can never think with my mind. Because I'm always thinking with my heart, always (foolishly) believing that a decision made from the heart will never be a wrong decision made.

But I'm always wrong.

2011-02-17T15:43:00.002+08:00

看過了那麼多的背叛
總是不安
只好強悍
誰謀殺了我的浪漫

The attack of the zzzz monster

2011-02-14T16:21:00.004+08:00

Blogging while at work now. I am so fucking sleepy I can just fall asleep with my eyes wide open...

I just finished a 38-page transcript which I've been working on since 9am in the morning. Normally it'd take me less than 5 hours to complete, but today I just couldn't concentrate because I was too tired. Been feeling so restless, and as a result, I feel so fidgety. Like I just can't sit still... I attribute that to the fact that I only managed to fall asleep at 2am last night. Sigh.

The only thing that I'm looking forward to is meeting N after work. It honestly is the only thought that keeps me going, when work gets too frustrating and overwhelming for me to handle. Every evening when the clock strikes 6pm and it's time to meet him, I feel so much better. In a way, it motivates me to want to work really hard in the day... Because to me, meeting him at the end of the day is like a form of reward for working so hard for 9 hours straight.

--

Anyway, over the weekend I got to meet Sue, and we caught up with each other's lives over a nice cup of coffee at TCC. Felt just like the good old times again :) recently we've been seeing and talking to each other a lot more, and I feel so glad that we've managed to brave through the toughest of storms to remain such good buddies. When I'm with her, I really feel like I can be completely at ease and at home.

I can be utterly and disgustingly vulgar, and she'll be equally vulgar too. I can be unglam or embarrassing, but she never thinks of me that way. Most importantly... I can be deranged and in tears, and she never gets impatient or irritated with me, even if it's late at night and past her bedtime.

So we were right, all along - that no matter what we go through, no matter how big a quarrel we may have, we eventually find it in our hearts to forgive, forget and move on. And although I may not say it, I believe it's because our friendship started off on a not-too-pleasant note 5 or 6 years ago: we were enemies when we first met, and the first few texts we sent to each other then were offensive and rude. At the end of the day though (and I don't know how this happened), we ended up seeking solace in each other... And from enemies we became really good friends.

So thank you, Sue. I think you've broken the record; I've thanked you so many times here on my blog that I've lost count... But thank you for always, always being there. For letting me know that our friendship is so much stronger than any of the major fights we've had. For always giving me the space and time to grow out of my childishness and immaturity, and learn from the mistakes I've made. For just being a pillar of strength, for being the person I know I'll always look up to for your admirable courage in facing whatever is thrown your way. :)

--

Saturday taught me a really, really invaluable lesson. A wake up call I really needed, so that I'd stop living ignorantly and selfishly. And I'm thankful that I made it through that harrowing experience, with the two people I've grown to love and cherish so much more than before.

So... Here's to a better year ahead. Here's to a better friendship, a better relationship, and a better me altogether. :)

10kg

2011-02-08T21:07:00.003+08:00

I have grown so hideously fat. So fat that I've started to hate looking myself in the mirror. Started to hate reflective surfaces, even. Started to develop an inferiority complex. Started to dread going shopping for clothes.

It's been so bad that food just doesn't seem all that appealing to me anymore.

Sunday was the worst. Sunday made me realize just how awfully bad I looked. Sunday was the day I began to hate myself, hate my body, hate everything that made me look and feel this way.

I dare not re-watch the video, I dare not tag myself in pictures that I would like to tag myself in. I dare not feel good about myself anymore, because all of a sudden the thought of that just seems so... Wrong.

I used to think that people who were anorexic/ bulimic were stupid. I used to think that it just didn't make sense for them to be so preoccupied with looking good, it didn't make sense that they had to risk their health for smth so superficial.

But for the first time in my life, I really, really wish I were anorexic.

Because I finally know how it feels to be fat. Because I've had enough of the shame and blame that I put on myself, because I've had enough of feeling so fucking inferior, because I want to feel proud of myself again.

And I will do whatever it takes, even if it means risking my health.

2011-02-01T15:39:00.003+08:00

So... 29th Jan came and went. I would be lying if I say I didn't expect more, but well... At the end of the day it doesn't matter that much, does it? In fact, I shouldn't even have expected anything because higher expectations would only lead to greater disappointment. Hmm, at least we managed to make a horrid day (rain + traffic jam) turn out quite fine in the end... I am contented. Honestly.

--

I'm starting work on Tuesday, and I really don't know if I should be feeling excited or dreadful because after talking to Adelaine yesterday evening, I was pretty much convinced that I could've also found a job like the one she had. Sigh. Then again, I can only blame it on myself for not being more active in looking for a good job...

Nothing much to blog about anyway, life has been boring (and will continue to be, I guess)... Will be back the next time I find the time and effort to. Heh.

--

P.S: Friend I "knew from a long time ago", who are you???

2011-01-25T16:56:00.002+08:00

It's only Tuesday but what a hellish week it's been.

Yesterday morning my dad texted me telling me Jenny (our Jack Russell Terrier) had gone missing. She ran out the night before and they only noticed it early in the morning. I rushed home at 11am and started combing the entire estate for her, but there was no sign of her. After lunch, we decided to print posters and put them up around the neighbourhood, so that if someone had already taken her in, they would call us when they see the posters.

With every poster we put up, we grew a little more hopeful that someone would call us up with good news, but unfortunately time passed and we still hadn't found Jenny. Peter and I would go out every hour to make our rounds around the estate, and the moment we heard a bark or a whine from any block we'd dash up to where the whine/ bark was coming from to check if someone had taken Jenny in. It happened about 4 times, but unfortunately we still weren't able to find her.

Last night I didn't dare stay up past 4am because I was afraid I would miss her too much if I didn't hear her bark when the newspaper man came to deliver the newspaper (she hates him). This morning I woke up the moment it started raining and was worried that Jenny would have been somewhere out in the cold and running around fearfully, since she's most afraid of the rain.

Then at 3pm came that hopeful call we were all waiting for - that Jenny was found at the second storey of our block. My sister (nearly 8 months pregnant mind you) ran down immediately; I couldn't go along because I had to help watch Keira who was sleeping at home. So I waited in anticipation, nervously pacing up and down my living room, crossing my fingers and hoping that it was Jenny.

15 nerve-wrecking minutes later, my sister came back, and in her arms was our dear Jenny!!! Apparently she was waiting outside the second storey neighbour's unit (she probably thought that was our house?), and they took her in, brought her to the groomer's to check if she was microchipped so that they'd be able to find us, and got her some milk in case she was hungry. And when they coincidentally saw our notice at the lift lobby, they gave us a call.

--

So glad she's back home with us now. The moment she came back we fed her, and after eating she fell asleep. She must've been very shagged. Oh well. Although we'd all like to know about her adventure, I guess it's not possible so what matters most is that she's back with us now! :)

On a sidenote: I was really worried for my sis when she ran down to get Jenny earlier on. She is the most careless person on Earth, and when she was pregnant with Keira she actually fell once. Thankfully she fell on her ass and not on her front. Earlier on when she brought Jenny back she also slipped because the floor was wet, if I wasn't there to catch her she would have fallen forward together with Jenny already. Hahaha.

Anyway, thanks to all who helped look out for Jenny in one way or another! :)

2011-01-21T00:03:00.003+08:00

Just the other day, someone asked me this on Formspring:

Why do you feel that your relationship is breaking up when you have such a sweet boy? Normalcy kicks in after some time but doesnt that mean you both have gotten used to each other, perhaps even closer than before?

And I wondered:

What are the factors that will lead to the break up of a relationship?
Does it mean that if I have a sweet boyfriend my relationship will not falter?

I have never been so tired in the course of our relationship before. The place which used to be my safe haven is now a place I dread going to. There is increasing tension in our relationship - perhaps because for the past year I have been trying to save what I could, and now I am completely worn out. I have tried so hard that now that it has been (somewhat) salvaged, I don't have the energy to enjoy the fruits of my labour.

You don't understand how it feels. You think it is easy for me because you're giving me what I've always wanted (and could never get in the past). Smth superficial, smth tangible and material, in a way. But I don't want all of that anymore. I just want to be home because although it is quiet and I am lonely at home, at least it is peaceful. There is no tension with anybody or in anything I do, and I don't have to account for anything I do or say. I am free to shake my leg and scold "FUCK" out loud, I am allowed to wail and cry when I feel frustrated and upset, I am allowed to do just about anything I would like to do without constantly fearing that my actions directly affect someone else.

Even when I'm with you, I feel like I'm all alone. Even when we spend time not doing work on weekends, I still feel like I am bound by and tied to smth. I cannot be myself, I cannot be fully happy, I cannot let myself go and just relax for that two days because there is the constant reminder that there is smth holding you, and thus us, back.

I am so sick, so tired of feeling this way. Remember how you first asked me to be your girlfriend? I miss it. I miss that. I miss all of it. I miss knowing that I can always count on you to be my pillar of support, to make me happy, to cheer me up. These days whenever I am upset and turn to you for help, I get more uptight, more stressed, because I know that you have some other commitment, or perhaps that I am just not worthy of your consolation.

Happiness, when it comes to us, just isn't as viral as it used to be before. In the past whenever I was sad, lonely or down, all it needed was a phone call from you, and hearing your happy and cheerful voice would lift my spirits immediately. But now, even when I am in your arms and you are trying to console me with your words or touch, I just feel that it's all so superficial. I don't feel better deep within but I just tell you that I am, only because I know you need to get back to what you have to complete.

This is ruining us. It's ruining us so badly. I hope you know that.

2011-01-15T00:19:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry.

I wish we could be happy, but work has sucked everything out of us. It has made me constantly tired, constantly worried, and it has made you perpetually stressed.

I look at happy couples all around me and I wonder how they manage to keep the spark in their relationships. And then I realized: they all lead normal lives. Normal lives, as compared to ours.

You have chosen to take the longer and more tedious road and more than half a year ago, I agreed to embark on this journey with you. I have never regretted it, but now it's making me think if this will break our relationship. Because is it me, or is it that all we have or can talk about now is just work?

I miss the times we would lay in bed all night and cuddle each other, and never grow sick of it. We would cuddle till it's 3, 4am in the morning and still it'll seem like the night was too short, and that it ended too early. Lately I've been thinking a lot about that because we've lost it all. We've lost the spark in our relationship and it's started to become more of a habit.

Perhaps I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. I didn't expect it to be so difficult but now that reality has hit me, hard in the face, I find myself unable to accept it. I feel unappreciated, I feel like all I've done for you is what any other employee should and would do for you. I feel less like a girlfriend, less like a partner, more like a helper.

I miss you, I miss myself, but most of all, I miss us.

It's been a long, long time since I've felt so alone. You are here, you are right next to me, but still I feel alone, empty, void. I feel like I have lost you a long time ago, that although you've always been with me physically, I don't have your heart anymore.

I would take on anything for you, and I would do anything for you, and I remember you telling me the exact same thing almost a year ago. But I don't know if that still stands true now. I don't know anything anymore.

I have lost many people in my life. But I am most afraid of losing you, because I have given so much and I just can't lose it all. Again, I don't know if you think the same way I do because you have stopped thinking about me, with me.

Maybe I am just unworthy of anything good in my life.

2011-01-12T21:49:00.002+08:00

It's been almost two weeks since I last blogged. 2011 has made me a lazier person I see. Sigh.

Nobody likes to read wordy posts but for some reason, I've stopped posting pictures and it's been this way since awhile back. Starting to feel like it's too much of a chore, keeping a blog. Still, it's good when I need to rant so I'm probably not gonna be deleting it anytime soon.

--

Yesterday I was packing my wardrobe after hearing my mom nag at me to do so for weeks. I threw out all my clothes and decided to re-fold them, even if they were already folded neatly. Guess you could say that I only did so because I was feeling down and didn't wanna go online to see/ read things that would've made me feel worse.

One thing I didn't expect: that packing clothes could also bring back lots of memories.

There were clothes that I used to wear back when I was still in P6 - Sec 2, shirts I used to re-wear week after week because I didn't have that much of a choice at that time, since I didn't have much money and freedom to go out and shop for clothes.

There were TJM shirts - from the retreat in 2007 and from annual parties. Those were the good old days, the days I used to praise and thank God for everything that happened in my life, be it good or bad. Those were the days I read the bible diligently everyday, knowing that no matter how tough things were, I could get through every obstacle with the help of God and the people from church. I miss them all so much, but things just aren't the same now I guess.

Then there were IJ shirts. House shirts, PE shirts, class shirts, and event shirts like the Walkathon shirt back in 2004. So proud to be an IJ girl, so proud to have worn the blue uniform, so proud that I've made some really good friends who I still meet up with often. IJ will always be special to me because the first day I put on the blue and white uniform was also the first day I met Bestie. Who would have thought that that day would mark the start of a long (and ever lasting I hope!) friendship with my best friend of 13 years now? :)

SAJC shirts. The dark blue and white netball jersey, the netball shirts, the SAS shirt and the PE shirts. I can't say I miss SA a lot, after all it wasn't exactly the kind of JC experience I hoped to have. And don't even get me started on the stupid A's, the stupid long lectures, the academic part of school. But of course I miss belonging somewhere, and although I know I've said this many times, I still miss waking up knowing that there's smth that needs to be done today, although I may not do it at all. Am I making sense?

And then there are the clothes that my sisters/ parents bought for me on their trips overseas, clothes that although I may not like very much personally, or although they may not fit me anymore, I still keep them because I can't bear to throw them away. Clothes that N bought for me the first time we went shopping together, clothes that I used to wear when I went clubbing every week, clothes that reminded me of people, things, events.

It was a very nostalgic day for me yesterday.

--

Well, there you go. An update on my thoughts and feelings - not exactly what you might like to read about, but there you go anyway.

P.S: Why doesn't anybody ask me questions on Formspring anymore? :(

2011-01-02T20:53:00.006+08:00

I'm glad that the new year has been good to me so far. Well, apart from being sick, that is. My body constantly feels like it's breaking apart. My back has been aching like crap, and I can't swallow anything because when I do it hurts so badly. And I woke up at 7am this morning with an awful stomachache, went to the toilet twice in 5 mins and had to wake the poor boyfriend up to get some water for me to take my medicine.

But that aside, I think my new year's eve this year was pretty awesome :) N came over in the evening, we cooked some chicken chop with potato salad for dinner and watched the countdown together while eating. Then we sang some karaoke at home while having some beer (for him) and wine (for myself). When we got tired, we lay in the couch together watching some tv... I really, really liked that feeling.

At 3am, I brought him out for a spin :) walked around NTUC, then we drove to Jalan Kayu for some prata. I lost my way on the way back home and panicked like shit because it was already so late and I had no idea how come I was on an expressway that was leading me to Yishun/ Lentor. HAHA. Thank God we got home safely anyway.

We slept in till about 230pm on 1/1/11, so by the time we had lunch and all it was evening already. Heh. Still, we decided to have a steamboat... So we went to the supermarket, got some food, and had a steamboat while watching exciting soccer matches :)

This afternoon we slept in till 2pm AGAIN, but this time I felt really terrible when I woke up because of the tummyache. I have to mention that N has been the sweetest boyfriend EVER though. I know this sounds morbid, but I kinda like it when I fall sick because he takes such good care of me and I feel so loved. Hahaha.

It's been such a fantastic weekend for me :) especially since N has been doing a lot of cooking (he just cooked pineapple fried rice and just came in to tell me to go down for dinner) and his perfectionist self always makes sure that the dishes he cooks don't fail that badly - and they never do! I've never been disappointed by his cooking, not even once. Ah, now I truly feel so blessed to have him...

Shall go down to enjoy my dinner now. Hope 2011 has been equally fulfilling for everybody else so far :)

2010-12-30T14:48:00.011+08:00

So. 2010's coming to an end and this will probably be my last post of the year. Funny how it still seems like the last day of 2009 was just yesterday...

As always, here are the key events of the year:

Results

One word: disappointing. Didn't manage to get to wherever I wanted to go to, and ended up taking a gap year. In other words, wasting one year of my life doing nothing at all because when I finally found the need to work instead of sitting around wishing things could've turned out differently, I couldn't find a job.

Even now, as we come to the end of 2010, here I am, still hopelessly wishing that this is all just a cruel nightmare. I am still in denial, and I guess I may always live in denial simply because I refuse to believe that I wasn't good enough to make my parents and myself proud.

N

But of course, the best thing that's happened to me this year. The only person who has stood by me regardless of how hopeless I may appear to be. The only person who has pushed me to want to be a better person, the only person who has never given up on me. The only person who has given me chances after chances after chances, the only person who has been so patient with me.

Today, I'm a little healthier, a little less hot-tempered, and a lot happier, all because of him. :)

Baby Kei

My favourite girl in the entire universe :) no matter how naughty she is, no matter how she never fails to spoil anything and everything (including remote controls, my handphone, alarm clock, iTouch, wallet) by throwing them on the floor, no matter how she's always playing with my laptop and conveniently turning it off, I still love her all the same, if not more. And no matter how bad a day I've had, whenever I go home and see her face, seeing her smile makes my heart feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

--

Well, I guess that's all. Nothing much has happened this year, and everyday my life has just been a boring routine. Time for the resolutions...

New Year Resolutions for 2011

Lose weight (sadly brought over from last year's resolutions)
Keep clean from vices that are detrimental to my body (I'm almost there!!)
Treasure the people around me and stop taking them for granted
Start learning to become more emotionally restrained/ independent
Reconnect with God on a higher level
Rekindle lost friendships
Start being more proactive in everything
Love myself and be kind to my heart, even though I know that it's impossible
Be less naive, less gullible, less trusting
Be a better person. Generally.

--

Happy 2011 guys, please help to encourage me to keep to my resolutions... Although I must say that I've never really kept to my resolutions for the past few years. HAHA.

Have an awesome new year ahead! :)

2010-12-24T02:19:00.006+08:00

It's that time of the year again... I was initially pretty excited for Christmas but not anymore. The excitement kinda waned off already. In fact, I feel like I'm dreading Christmas more than I'm anticipating it. Strange, but I can't explain it either.

Well, the comforting thing is that I managed to spend some good quality time with Bestie while we shopped for Christmas presents :) I really really enjoyed Christmas shopping with Bestie, though we both ended up very tired from all that walking and travelling. For that day I truly felt like we were back in the good old days, hanging out together after school just laughing and talking about life in itself. T'was one of the better days of 2010 I'd say.

Speaking of which, 2011 will be the 13th year that Best and I have known each other! Time really flies, doesn't it. Honestly glad that I've got someone like her in my life :)

--

Ok, probably not gonna be posting till next week, so here's wishing all who're reading this a very merry x'mas!! :) hopefully N will like the presents I've gotten for him, hahaha.

--

Oh, and of course, how could I forget to post smth that's been on my x'mas post every year...

The thing about Christmas is that it makes one want some sort of companion; a kind of need to not be alone.
For some, like Valentines, it holds the same meaning - it can be Christmas any day, as long as you're with the companion you want.
Without, nothing's the same anymore.
- Colleen @ deadthrattle.lj

2010-12-20T15:58:00.003+08:00

Christmas is in another five days. I don't know if I should be excited. I've always looked forward to Christmas because I love giving presents. Although stressing over what to buy for someone isn't exactly fun, when I finally find smth I'm positive he/ she will like, and on the day he/ she unwraps the gift and gasps in delight, my heart feels so warm and full. I feel satisfied, despite the fact that I'm not the one receiving the present.

But when you're broke, Christmas doesn't seem so exciting anymore. I couldn't buy gifts for many people because after getting the gifts for Kei, my parents and N, I hardly even have enough money left to eat, let alone get gifts for anybody else. So maybe that's why I'm not really looking forward to Christmas this year.

--

Anyway, I'm really glad N has stuck by me throughout this year. It's been such a horrid 2010 for me, and I'm sure that kinda affected him too. It's really been a very very rough year, but with every quarrel, every tear shed, every htht we have, and every spiteful word we use on each other when we're angry, we grow that bit wiser and more mature in the relationship. To be honest, I think I've been a horrid girlfriend. I have been unsupportive, unreasonable and very demanding at times. But he has never given up on me. He has given me the chance, time after time, to change for the better, to learn from my mistakes. He has given me all the patience that I need, and that pushes me to want to be a better girlfriend.

I won't forget the day he piggybacked me down the stairs and to the car, although it was never possible for him to carry me on any normal occasion. I cried, not just because I was in so much physical pain, but also because I could feel his worry, his anxiety; I could feel my heavy weight taking a toll on his body. Yet he never put me down. He ran down the stairs, put me in the car, sped to CGH, and ran to call the nurse to attend to me. I will never forget that day.

And of course, the times when I picked petty fights with him. The times when I did childish things just because I didn't get my way. The times when I asked for too much from him, and him relenting nonetheless. The times I was selfish and cared only about what I wanted and needed, without considering his feelings and his needs as well. The times when I was unsupportive and said/ did insensitive stuff, and how he forgave me regardless of the graveness of my mistake.

For all these and more, I love him.

I love him so much. And throughout the whole of these 10, coming 11 months, I have never stopped loving him one bit. Not at all.

2010-12-14T16:49:00.002+08:00

Everything's just not going right. Just when I thought that maybe the festive season could make me feel a slight bit better about the sucky year, now it seems like maybe it'll be a gloomy Christmas/ New Year as well.

Never felt this way about the year ending before. I've always felt that the end of the year = celebrating a job well done for whatever I've worked hard for the entire year, and that the new year marks the start of another year of striving and pushing myself to limits. But 2010 was just... Empty.

I mean, it was good because I met the one person who was (and still is) able to make me feel like the most fortunate girl alive. And usually I would say that that's enough, but it's not. And close to 11 months later, I finally realize it. That allowing someone to take central position in your heart isn't gonna make you rich, not at all. It can make you happy, of course it can, but for how long? Despite what people always claim about happiness being unrelated to money and all, money CAN bring happiness. And that's smth I failed to realize from the start.

Just like everybody else, I thought that it didn't matter even if I was shit broke because love can make the world go round, and love can make the ride worthwhile, and so on and so forth. But all these poetic crap... That's all they are - crap. They're not true because I let my world revolve around one particular person, around this damned word called love, and now it's come crashing down on me.

The entire year has passed in a blur. Half the time I didn't know what I was doing with my life, and the other half of the time, I didn't even bother. I keep telling myself it's time to start doing smth about it, but I'm still stuck in reverse. Still thinking about how I could have had everything I'd ever wanted and dreamt of, how I could have saved myself from all these, if only I'd done the right thing back then. I had a choice, but I didn't appreciate it. And now all I can do is look back in regret, when what I should be doing is pushing myself forward instead. This is smth I believe no one will ever understand.

Not like I'm asking anyone to, anyway.

2010-12-09T02:57:00.003+08:00

It takes two hands to clap. Everybody knows that. But today, I am sitting here alone, foolishly and stupidly trying to clap with one hand. And it is not possible. I know it is not possible. But I still do it, even though it makes me look like an idiot.

I made this choice myself. I made this decision back then and I am to be responsible for the consequences. I am tired. I am very exhausted. Very very exhausted from trying. And crying. Just what will it take?

So what if trying to clap with one hand makes me look like a fool? So what if I feel sad, or angry, or disappointed, or exhausted? So what? Does it even matter anymore? Do I even matter anymore?

Does anything even matter anymore?!

怎样的雨怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

2010-12-06T22:55:00.002+08:00

Big event of the week: Keira turns one year old!

It was a good day, apart from the fact that I felt really fat that day (I know, how random right!?). The catered food was one of the better ones I'd eaten, and my favourite princess was dressed in a cute white dress that my aunt sent all the way from UK. She is such a pampered girl and everybody loves her so, so much. Most people don't see the silly tantrums she throws at home though, but that aside, she's actually very lovable. Sorry I can't stop swooning, I honestly think she's the cutest baby I've ever seen. Not just because she's my niece, although I must admit that my opinion's quite biased... :)

--

These days have been slightly better for me emotionally, thank God. It's not that I've been rid of all problems overnight, it's that... Let's just say I've grown a little wiser. I've learnt to just keep quiet, to just say "it's okay, I'm fine", even if I'm not. After all it's always easier coping with it myself rather than making it two people's problem. And it works. I psycho myself to shut up and not voice any unhappiness or anger, and after awhile I feel better. It's not the best way to deal with things, and it's definitely not a foolproof method, but really, keeping quiet isn't all that bad.

You could say it's that I've started to build a wall, you could say that by doing this I'm intentionally shutting people out. But I've figured that that's the only way I am able to protect myself as well as the people around me. It's the only way that keeps us sane and happy. It's the only way to mend things, I've realized. It's harsh, but it's the truth. Maybe someday I will stop bottling things up. Maybe someday I will no longer feel the need to say "I'm not angry, I'm not upset, I'm fine". But for now, I'm happy like this and I will remain like this. And I hope this makes you happy too.

29th Nov 2009

2010-11-30T18:41:00.003+08:00

One year ago:

One year later, I'm still feeling as shitty. Perhaps a part of me still believes that "life's too short to fucking care about dying early, or dying young".

2010-11-29T22:22:00.002+08:00

It's been a weird week. A very weird week. I thought things were looking up when I found a job in a "fun" environment - or at least that's what I was told. But it was a bad experience, and to cut a long story short, I'm still (sighhhh)... Jobless. For now.

But kayaking on Saturday was a lot of fun!! It was so impromptu: Friday night, N's sis called him up to ask if we were interested to go kayaking with them on Saturday because there were too many kids and not enough adults to go along. So we agreed. The kids brought along their water guns which made it all the more exciting :) but we woke up the next day with our backs/ legs/ arms aching, and bruises on our thumbs. The oars were so heavy and it was so hard to row (?) the freaking kayak in the water. Or maybe we just weren't pro enough. HAHA.

And the weekend ended off with a bang - Man U winning 7-1 (!!!), Chelski drawing 1-1, which puts us at the top of the table! Awesome. I love weekends like these. A pity they're too short though. Instead of having 2 days of weekends and 5 days of work, I think we should have 2 days of work and 5 days of weekends. Seriously. Heh.

--

Sometimes I wish you could be more accepting, so that I don't have to feel so dreadful about everything. I'm supposed to be excited. I used to be excited. But I can't, not anymore. Now all I'm feeling is a whole lot of dread and envy. Everyone's filled with so much anticipation and excitement. Me? I've been getting headaches from thinking about this problem day and night. I just don't know how to solve it in the best possible way, I just can't come up with a solution that'll make everybody happy. Well, I guess keeping it all bottled up inside me, to a certain extent, makes everybody happy. But that's only for now. We can't keep avoiding it. Time's passing too quickly. Way too quickly. This dread will not make time stand still. If any, it'll only make me feel more anxious and unsettled.

I don't wanna think anymore. My head hurts so badly and I don't wanna think anymore. If only you could be more accepting... If only.

2010-11-23T15:30:00.003+08:00

This is how my days have been:

Wake up in the morning feeling hopeful. I always wake up feeling hopeful because after 8 hours of sleep, I'm convinced I'm ready to make the next day a good one. So the morning always starts off well. Somehow, sometime through the day, something will screw up. Something will screw up and I'd think to myself, "this day was supposed to be good. It started out so well, why can't it just end well?"

Fact is that it just can't. Tested and proven.

--

I'm so tired. Hope and disappointment don't go together. To hope and be disappointed eats away the strength to continue hoping the next day. The strength to believe that there'll be sunshine after the rain. 2012 suddenly seems so far away. Everything should just end now.

2010-11-16T18:33:00.002+08:00

Dinner in another half an hour! I've been counting down since 5pm. So hungry now I could eat a cow :(

Speaking of eating, I really need to lose weight. I've put on so much weight that I hate looking at myself in the mirror these days. Yet I love food. I love food too much to go on a diet. And I hate working out because I'm just lazy like that. I sound like I'm living the life of a pig. Sigh.

Well, yesterday I managed to do three sets of abs exercises so that's a good start. My whole body's aching now just because of three pathetic sets of abs exercises. This is how weak I've become ever since I stopped playing netball. I used to be able to do a minute of static hold, but now I feel like I'm dying after 30 seconds. I used to be able to do 40 crunches at a go within a minute, now I can only do 20. Pathetic. :(

Worst still, I have an upcoming show on Friday and 20th Nov (because Nov and Dec are the agency's busiest months) and I'm desperately trying to lose weight before then. But it doesn't seem possible at all because I just can't stop eating :(

Post #400

2010-11-12T00:30:00.004+08:00

Today's happy news: I received my cheque from Pico in the mail today! FINALLY. But after paying Singtel and all the miscellaneous bills, I hardly have any money left :( sigh, I work solely to pay off my bills. Isn't that sad?

--

Anyway, the past few days at home have been good. Finally got to see my favourite girl after so long! She's growing up really quickly - in a month's time it'll be her birthday already. One year has passed in the blink of an eye. Still remember the day she was born, I was having tea with J at Tanglin and was literally ecstatic when my mom's text came in. J accompanied me to Gleneagles, she waited downstairs while I went up to see little Kei for the first time. She was still so tiny then...

Now I can no longer carry her for more than 15 mins because she's a lot heavier. Now she knows how to point to things that she's amused at, and when we ask her "where's the bird?", the clever girl points to the bird cage hanging in my balcony and makes some incomprehensible sound - something that sounds like a "there!".

She can also respond well to music already, whenever someone's phone rings she starts bouncing to the tune and smiling to herself. She loves electronic gadgets, btw. This evening I put her on my bed, right in front of my phone and laptop, and she kept playing with them - one hand holding the phone, the other hand randomly pressing the keys on my laptop. After awhile (I guess she got bored of it), guess what the very intelligent girl did? She reached for the power button on my laptop and turned it off. I should've been angry, but I just couldn't bring myself to get angry with her. She's toooooo cute :)

Ok, it's not even Kei's birthday but it seems as if I'm already writing a birthday post to her... Hahaha. Now I really can't wait for 8th Dec to come! :)

2010-11-09T23:20:00.003+08:00

To the person who asked a question on Formspring:

The last post was not about Sue, or meant for her. Just in case you're curious to know: we're on good terms already, so there's absolutely no need for me to write such a post to/ for her. :)

P.S: Why do I have this constant nagging feeling that I know who you are?

2010-11-09T01:54:00.006+08:00

I miss you.

I hardly think of you, but when I do, it's during the times when my mind is in a whirl and my thoughts don't process logically. I've never met someone quite like you, really. After you left, I guess I desperately tried to find someone to replace you, someone who could take your place as my confidante, who would listen to me rant whenever I was angry, who could cheer me up without even trying. But there was no one just like you.

Back then, I was foolish to believe the things you said, the promises you made. Back then, I bared my soul to you because I was gullible enough to think that you would always be there, simply because you told me so. Was it time that proved to be too cruel a test for us? Or was it that you were never really there at all?

Still, I'll never forget the good old times. You were the first person who showered me with so much care and concern, when I was in my most vulnerable state. And maybe that's why you'll always hold a special place in my heart. I'd give anything to just be able to talk to you right now, because that was what kept me going in the very first place.

--

Sick and tired of trying to be someone I'm not. Don't you understand? I'm just not her. And I will never be.

2010-11-03T17:50:00.004+08:00

Today has been a better day as compared to yesterday. First of all, it was so heartening to see N's face light up when he saw all that I've done for the project that he's been working on. He gave me a nice hug and I geniunely felt that he was proud of me for putting in so much effort despite the fact that it seemed as if I slacked more than I worked. I'm glad that at least I produced satisfactory results - not perfect, and there's a lot more to improve on, but it made him happy and that in turn made me happy too.

Also, I love it when he knits his brows and tries so hard to figure something out. Sometimes he gets frustrated because he can hardly understand what he's working on, but when he eventually does work it out, his face gleams with pride and relief. Literally. It's so cute :) the best part is that he never gives up. At the end of the day he'll lament that he spent the whole day working on something so small and perhaps insignificant, but at least he never gave up on it.

--

Last night I was talking to Sam and she said something which I felt was really enlightening. Outsiders will always comment about your relationship and give advice based on what they see or feel as a third party. But what do they know? They're not the ones in the relationship, and they have never gone through what we've gone through. N and I have been through so much, a lot of which no one has seen or even known about, yet these bystanders judge our relationship like they're the ones in it instead. It's stupid, but these people will always exist, and they will always be giving you unnecessary and pointless advice expecting you to follow them. It's just something I'll have to learn to live with I guess. Sigh.

2010-10-29T18:32:00.004+08:00

Hiiiii. I'm bored and hungry, waiting for time to pass so that I can have dinner! By the time I finish updating, it should be time for dinner already... Can't wait! I think there's gonna be crab tonight :)

--

Tomorrow's gonna be one helluva egggciting day! Gonna be meeting up with the tkd folks (I haven't seen them in AGES.) for the Korean demo - credits go to Sue for organizing this little meet up :) was just reminiscing about back then when I used to be so committed to the sport. Always enthusiastic about helping out at gradings and what nots... But somehow the passion waned. I don't know why. Although I don't play netball as regularly now, but my passion for netball is still there. I still get a little envious when I see pictures of the people from Clique playing and training together. I still miss netball a lot.

But it's not the same for tkd, although that was what gave me the chance to get to know some really good friends who've been there with me and for me through the whole of 5 - 6 years, and whom I still meet up with regularly. Oh well... It's really sad that I no longer have the same kind of passion I used to have for tkd, because if I do, I would commit myself to trainings and classes since I now have the time to. But it's not that bad either, gotta take comfort in the fact that somehow or rather I'm still very much connected to the sport because of the people around me ;)

--

Ok, gonna pester N to go have dinner now!! Till then :)

2010-10-27T21:22:00.007+08:00

All thanks to Siyi, N and I had two free tickets to catch the preview of The Last Exorcism yesterday evening. And because I was so intrigued by it, I'm gonna blog about it! There'll be spoilers ahead, so please don't read if you're planning to catch it.

--

Here's the synopsis:

Reverend Cotton Marcus had performed more exorcisms than he could remember before he visited the Louisiana farm of Louis Sweetzer. That would be a day he wouldn't soon forget. The last person Lious Sweetzer ever thought he would invite to his farm was an exorcist. But his young daughter Nell had been acting so strange. He could think of no other explanation for her behavior than possession by demons. But many long years of attending to those with questionable spiritual infestations has left Cotton a broken man. The faith he once proudly held up as a shield against evil had deserted him long ago.

This day has brought Reverend Marcus to the Sweetzers farm where he plans to film a documentary of what he hopes to be his final exorcism. All of his past experience could not begin to prepare him for the terror that lay within. But upon arriving at the already blood drenched family farm, it was soon clear that nothing could have prepared him for the true evil he would encounter there. The Reverend must call upon a near-empty well of faith to protect Nell, his film crew and ultimately himself.

-

After the movie, I came home and did a bit of research on the movie and found some really interesting facts that I thought I'd share...

The Last Exorcism is a film that seeks to: Create an exorcism film with a unique voice, challenge its audience to confront their beliefs, and scare the crap out of viewers. The central focus of the film is faith, as it relates to the belief in the presence of evil.

The film establishes the premise that (according to Cotton's evangelical ministry) if you believe in God you must also believe in the devil and, subsequently, demons. Therefore to renounce all demon possession as cons, and/ or psychological breaks, also in a sense, renounces faith altogether. Fabian believes, "This is a film about how you perceive good and evil. It's about what your convictions are and if they’ll come through for you when you need them most."

One of the most fascinating phenomenons that the film addresses is the rise in the belief in and the occurrence of exorcisms. When asked why they think this is happening at this time in our history Newman responded, "A lot of it is fear based... The greatest human movements have been precipitated by bad shit happening in the world. And the scarier things get the more people are looking for an explanation that of course doesn't force them to look inward. And people start to embrace (sometimes for good, sometimes for bad) a different belief. Something that allows them to make sense of what their reality is. In the case of this story, this guy refuses to accept that there might be something wrong with his daughter. There might be something really wrong with his daughter. It's easier for him to say, 'we were doing fine until this demon showed up and led her astray.' "

Eli Roth adds, "I think 75 years ago evil had a very clear face. You know, you could say it was Hitler; you could visualize who was evil. Whereas now evil comes in so many forms. It comes in – not just terrorism but in greed on Wall Street and crimes in the schools or even in some churches. There are all kinds of evil and the devil becomes a focal point for that evil. So it becomes: 'if we can fight that' then evil overall will go down. But I think it truly comes from this lack of having this one person to pinpoint the evil on and therefore it goes to Satan."

--

N didn't really like the movie, he got quite bored and when the movie ended we were so confused that we started asking each other questions although it was obvious that we both didn't know the answer. Hahaha. But personally I really liked it because:

It made me think, and I hate watching movies which I feel are a waste of time when it doesn't take me long to forget the story
Some parts of the movie got me really frightened out of my wits
There was a twist at the end of the movie

At a few of the websites I visited, some people commented that it was a boring and lame show because the twist at the end just left them more puzzled than ever, and they complained that the movie sucked because it just made no sense at all. But I think it's not a show that leaves you with questions unanswered. It lets you explore the possibilities, it questions your beliefs, it intrigues you so much that you have to sit yourself down and put all the pieces together, and when you do so, everything becomes crystal clear. Or so it was for me.

I liked the movie. And I think I might just go catch it again when it's out in cinemas. Either that, or download it/ get the dvd. And for someone like me who isn't such a huge fan of watching movies/ dvds? That explains a lot.

-

I'd say - go catch this movie when it's out in cinemas, but don't blame me if you don't understand anything during or after the show. You may dislike it for the exact same reasons that I like it for ;)

2010-10-25T13:13:00.006+08:00

I'm backkkkk! I promised to blog about ITB Asia, so I'll get straight down to the details.

Basically it's a corporate exhibition for the tourism industry, I don't exactly know much about it but it was quite an eye-opener for me I guess.

(Btw, because uploading photos takes such a long time, I decided to upload only one. The rest can be found on Facebook.)

So for three whole days from 20th to 22nd Oct, I've been stuck in a tiny corner of Suntec Convention Hall 603, trying my best to keep myself occupied but nearly dying from boredom. The three people in the above picture are a few of the people I've worked with. The guy is a director of a 5-star hotel in Czech Republic, while the ladies are from Slovakia.

Well, whenever I was bored and had nothing to do, I'd sit in that little pantry and just stone. In fact, there was really nothing much I could do, no matter how I tried to find work to preoccupy myself with. And sitting there in a daze kinda brought me away for awhile, into another world altogether. I don't know how to explain it; it all just seemed... Surreal? Perhaps because all around me I was surrounded by people speaking in a foreign language, behaving in a foreign manner, and I just wasn't used to it at all.

The first two days were the worst, I was in heels and they really hurt my feet. I had to stand for 7-8 hours straight and it was A. FREAKING. TORTURE. Never had to go through so much pain in my life before. And when I got home, the ache was so bad I could hardly walk properly. I'm not shitting you.

I was smarter on the last day though, I wore flats even though they didn't really match my attire. Haha, I just couldn't bring myself to let my feet suffer for another 8 hours. Too bad I only wisened up on the last day, otherwise the first two days probably wouldn't have been so tough on me.

After 8 hours of hearing the Czechos/ Slovaks/ Hungarians converse in their own language everyday for the whole of 3 days, I was glad that I decided to lunch with Jazlyn and Terence on the last day. Felt so much better being able to speak normally to people who actually understand what I'm talking about. HAHA.

--

That's about all there is to it I suppose, I wouldn't say it was the most enjoyable experience but it wasn't all that bad. I can't believe I'm saying this but... I'm actually happy I took on this job :)

Busy Bee

2010-10-20T23:37:00.003+08:00

Will be busy with work for the next few days, promise to update a proper post next week!

(For those who're curious, I'm working at ITB Asia - a trade tourism exhibition at Suntec open only to invited guests. Sounds cool? It is. But my job isn't. To put it simply, I'm working as a high class kopi soh! HAHAHA. First day was very very tiring though, kinda expected it to be an easy job with good money but nope, I'm wrong. Not looking forward to tmrw and Friday... But looking forward to the money $$$, hehe)

2010-10-14T20:28:00.002+08:00

Ironically, too much has been happening in my life. Just because I don't keep this space updated doesn't mean I have nothing to update about. It's just that after filtering out what cannot be posted publicly, there's just not much that can be posted publicly anymore. Too many unknown people read this space and I don't really wish for everyone to know every little bit of my screwed up life.

Well, life's been treating me bad. Week after week there just seems to be more and more problems arising. Gone are the days where I didn't have to worry about money, about work, and about going to school next year. Like I said, in a way, I miss having my future mapped out for me. In a way, I miss school; I miss waking up knowing what I have to do today, the day after, or what I'm gonna have to go through in a month or two's time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually miss anticipating liberation (i.e looking forward to the end of A's).

Now everything's so unclear. My life is a disorganized mess. I'm just taking each day as it comes, living each day to the fullest. I've stopped harbouring hopes of a bright future because honestly, how much of a future do I have left? It's not that I'm being pessimistic, it's just that I can't see past the present. How can I, when I'm barely able to get past each day?

Man, I'm sick of these emo posts. Sick of never being able to do the things I wanna do, sick of never being able to achieve the things I set out to achieve. Sick of being such a fucking failure, and sick of life in its entirety.

I don't know if anyone ever feels this way, but happiness has always seemed so far-fetched and so unattainable to me. Of course, I'm not saying it doesn't exist - but perhaps only in a temporal form. Or maybe the problem just lies with me.

I'm probably gonna be damned for saying this, but I hope everything really ends in 2012. Call me selfish, but when everything you have and everything around you starts to lose its meaning, you just can't help but think this way.

2010-10-11T20:54:00.002+08:00

Today, I washed a plate so clean you would never have thought that it had been used before.

There are people in our lives who will forgive us no matter what we've done, no matter how bad we turn out to be, no matter how much we've hurt them. There are people in our lives who will love us even when no one else does, who will protect us even if it means losing themselves, who never stop caring for us regardless of how angry they are at us. And I really, really thank God for these people.

--

I've been having ridiculously bad days consecutively, and it's taking a toll on my emotional well-being. I feel like I have so much pent up frustration within me, and I feel like I have so many things I wanna say to so many different people. But somehow, somewhere, I just stopped expressing. I stopped speaking up for myself, and everytime I feel like there's smth I have to say, I suppress the need to express myself. It's digusting, the way I've become. At times I feel like I'm not even myself anymore, and the worst thing is, I don't even know how I became like this in the very first place.

But maybe that's what has made me learn to appreciate silence. Silence saves you from the trouble that could come from expressing yourself. So maybe, just maybe, it's a good thing after all.

2010-10-07T23:36:00.003+08:00

63 years is a long time to love, to be in love with, and to be loved by someone.

All guys should just be like MM Lee. Period.

2010-09-29T23:39:00.004+08:00

Last night was such a terrible night. It's been awhile since I last had such emotionally charged nights and I really thought that things were changing for the better. But after what happened last night... I guess I'm back to square one. Oh well.

--

Anyway, I know my previous post sounded quite cheesy but I just have to blog about how sweet N was today :) we were supposed to meet sometime around noon, I woke up at around 11+ and texted him asking him if he was up yet. He told me he just woke up and was gonna be late, so I lazed around for abit. Then he texted me again telling me there was a traffic jam and that he was gonna take awhile more. Although I was a little baffled as to why there was a traffic jam in the afternoon on a weekday, for some reason it just didn't bother me much.

When we finally met, he surprised me with the CK Euphoria perfume that he knew I'd been checking up on!! Well actually I was deciding between the SJP one and this one, and he told me that he knew I preferred the SJP one, so the poor boy woke up earlyyyyy in the morning (although we were on the phone till 2am) just to head to town to look for the SJP perfume. But he couldn't find it in any of the shops he went to, so he had no choice but to get Euphoria for me.

How. Sweet. Is. That. Seriously!?

I mean, to some it may just seem like a small gesture but after all the bad days we've had to go through, this really touched my heart :') kinda brought me back to the days when we first got to know each other, when he'd also spring such surprises on me... Heh.

So. After gushing about it for awhile, I realized that I actually have no need for the perfume yet, and suggested that maybe he should go exchange it for the perfume he wants instead, since he needed it more than me. He was reluctant, but after my persuasion he agreed. After which he complained incessantly, "supposed to buy for you, in the end buy for myself!".

But honestly, it's the thought that counts and I'm really touched by what he did for me :")

--

Ok, enough of teary smiles... Gonna go to sleep a happy and contented girl tonight! :)

2010-09-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

For the past 7 days, N and I have spent every minute together, doing things we never had the chance to do before: I helped him dye his hair, we took public transport to go shopping, we bought $2 toys and magic tricks from Daiso and played with them the whole night through, we played drinking games and drank quite a bit of beer and Chivas... Basically just making up for all the time we missed out on when he was in army.

But this morning I woke up feeling awful, because today marked the end of the "holidays". At least for us. It's gonna be so much tougher from now onwards and as much as I'm not looking forward to it, there's nothing much I can do about it. I love my boyfriend because he isn't just like any other guy out there. He doesn't fall into the "study, get a cert and find a job then live happily ever after" category. He's different. And that's smth I never used to appreciate about him. But I realize now that I love him because he's different.

I love him for daring to take the path that none of us would ever dare take. I love him for his determination in wanting to carve his own future, without letting anything deter him. I love him for being so brave, for attempting to try even though it may seem daunting or bleak. I love him for being the part of me that I'll never be.

It is not gonna be easy for us. I know it. Until we had a heart to heart talk an hour ago, I kept asking myself why we couldn't be like normal couples who are able to spend evenings together having coffee and just hanging out. I kept asking myself why I had to give up so much time with him, why I was intentionally made to feel lonely although status wise, I am attached. I'm not saying the htht dispelled my fears completely. That's not possible, to be honest. But it made me feel slightly better, slightly less pessimistic, and slightly more hopeful about the future. I hope it all turns out fine. I really, really hope so.

--

I received a question on Formspring earlier this evening, but I didn't know how to answer it. Someone asked me if I was gonna go to university. How do I answer that question?

I want to go to university. The worst time of my life was when I got rejected from all the local unis, despite my appeals. Then when I applied for SIM and got my acceptance, I realized that the fees were way too expensive and I had to give up studying the only course in SIM that I really wanted to study. How do you think that made me feel?

The person who asked that question probably was just plain curious and wanted to know. It's not his/ her fault. I just couldn't help but feel so angsty when I read that question because God knows how much I wanted to go to uni. I felt so hopeless because I just couldn't get results that were at least decent enough for me to get into a local uni. Imagine how it feels like to see your Facebook wall updated with pictures of your friends' uni lives. Imagine how it feels like to have your friends drift apart from you because they're now occupied with school. It feels so fucking horrid.

But there's no point lamenting, because at the end of the day I only have myself to blame for not studying hard enough. This is what I get for not putting in enough effort. This is smth I rightfully deserve and hence have to silently accept.

2010-09-27T04:08:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I'll update with a proper post tmrw, I promise.

For now, I'm just feeling a little pensive while lying in bed at 4am, wondering if I am as incapable and hopeless as how people may think me out to be. Not just people I don't know, but people I know as well. I didn't use to bother too much about how people think of me, but I guess that's changed. I wish I could give myself a chance to prove them wrong, but I just don't even have that bit of faith in myself. When did I become like this?