死了也许会更好.. 至少心不会再痛了, 我也不必每天假装自己很坚强, 很开心.. 真希望今晚一睡着, 从此以后不会再醒来了..

I miss you

I miss you so much it kills me. I sent you a text knowing you were not gonna reply it. I sent it anyway because I thought I should let you know. I'm sorry... I love you, but I don't know how to face this relationship anymore.

In front of my family I pretend to be fine. I pretend that I am happy but deep down I'm thinking of you and what you're doing. Did you manage to wake up early to go to the carpark this morning? Have you ended work for the day? How's the lunch at home today? I can only ask all these questions here because I know it is pointless sending you a text.

My texts to you have gone unreplied since last night. I don't know if you hate me but I guess you have the right to do so. Trust me when I say I have never, ever, ever loved anyone this much before. At times I wonder if I made the right decision, and whether I will live to regret it. It takes so much out of me to stop myself from running back to you and asking for the relationship back. I have done that so many times but look where we are now. We're still back at square one.

My heart is heavy. I feel a little lost, but mostly empty. All I really want at this moment is to be in your arms again. This hurts so bad

I promised a post today, and even though it's not today TODAY anymore (since it's past 2am), I will still update this space before the cough med takes effect and I K.O for the day.

So.

Someone asked me what's been bothering me and why I've been feeling so stressed and down. I replied that I don't know, but I guess it is true that there are a number of things that've been on my mind.

1) School

I don't know if I wanna continue studying anymore. I know it might sound really foolish to say this but I really don't have the heart to continue studying. The few times I actually go to school, I don't even pay attention and I leave school before the lesson even ends. And I still have 2.5 years of this shit to go through. I don't want to waste even more money if I know I'm not gonna make it.

My first sem results were way better than what I expected but I guess that's only because it was the first sem, and everyone does well initially... But now the thought of studying really puts me off. I've never been a study person, unlike my sis, whom I believe would study her whole life away if she had a choice to. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just that I'm not like her at all. I would like to persevere for the next 2.5 years, but again, I'm not someone with a lot of determination...

Yet the thought of having to tell my dad that I don't feel like studying anymore scares me. I have a feeling my dad would probably chop me into a million pieces before even saying anything.

2) Money

I have been spending money like nobody's business. It started during the CNY week when I was sad and moody and went drinking nearly everyday. I reckon I have drunk about 10 Martell bottles ever since that day. No kidding. I am ultimately broke now. I have been having instant noodles everyday for lunch for the past few weeks just because of that. Don't get me wrong, this is nothing to be proud of. It's just that everyday I think of how to make money quick and believe it or not, I get really stressed over it.

Then again, I have no one to blame but myself...

3) My weight

Before CNY I lost quite a bit of weight and that week was probably the best week (in terms of my weight/size). But then subsequently I started to binge eat, and I think my appetite has grown... I don't really dare to weigh myself anymore, but I suppose I'm slowly but surely putting the weight back on.

Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I feel so ugly. I know I am not, but I am fat, and being fat makes me ugly. Doesn't help that I keep seeing skinny people around... I feel very inferior, especially since everybody's so superficial these days. I don't wanna be fat anymore, but I've exhausted all my options. The slimming coffee isn't effective anymore, and I still do exercise but sometimes I get tired and lazy and I tell myself I'll do it the next day. I keep to it of course, but I don't see myself losing anymore weight and I'm starting to feel discouraged.

4) N

I know N doesn't like me to blog about him or our relationship, but I'm sure it is pretty obvious that this is the biggest reason why I've been feeling so down lately, and if I can't express how I feel here, in words, how else can I do it? This is the best way I can express myself.

Recently I have been a very disappointing girlfriend. In fact, that's an understatement. I have been a terrible girlfriend. I have lied to N and kept things from him intentionally, and when he found out he was really, really angry. He said he cannot trust me anymore and he definitely isn't wrong to feel that way.

I miss the old us.









I miss the times when the greatest form of entertainment to us was an iPhone app/game, and us trying to break each other's high score. Today I was playing Bejeweled Blitz on my iPhone and I realized how things have changed - how we are no longer intent on breaking each other's high score and taunting each other when we've done so. I miss the times when all I wanted was to be at home, with him, spending precious moments together. There is so much I miss and I could go on and on forever.

This time, I'm the one who's changed. I've gone back to my old partying ways, the kind of lifestyle N has never liked and would never accept. After all the drama and tears, N has served me an ultimatum - I have to make a choice between him and my drinking life. Maybe to some people, this would be a simple choice to make. But I have been a party animal from the start, and I stopped only when I got together with N. I remember asking him to club with me even when we were already dating. So to me, this is the worst decision anyone could ever ask me to make.

I know for a fact that I will regret letting go of N. From the start I have thought of him as a perfect boyfriend and a potential husband, despite all the quarrels and unhappiness. He might be a little dense and insensitive sometimes, but he cares for me. He cares for me more than any other person would and could care for me. And I know he loves me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him too, because as much as I've tried to harden my heart while writing this post, I am still crying because the memories are flooding back and I realize just how close I am to losing him.

But on the other hand, I am reluctant to give up on my partying life. Drinking makes me happy. Drinking makes me forget all my problems at that point, and the best part is that everyone around you is happy as well. I don't feel lonely or empty or depressed. I have so much fun with the people around me that I wouldn't even go home if I had a choice. As cliched as this may sound, I'm born to be wild and crazy, and I really don't wish to give that up.

I would like to strike a balance between the two but I think it is too late to do so, now that I've crossed the limit and N has given me this choice to make. I know have no right to say this, but I feel so torn...

I have been feeling really down for the past few weeks. I think it started from that week where I had 5 consecutive nights of insomnia. Since then I've been having really awful moodswings. There is not one day I feel truly happy. It's a fucked up feeling.

So these days I gorge myself with food in the hopes of feeling better emotionally. I cut myself off from the rest of the world as much as possible (N included). I don't even wanna talk to him or meet him. I just wanna stay at home and wallow in my own misery. Heck, I'm not even keen to meet up with people I haven't met up with in a long time (sorry Bfff). I know of people who feel better after gorging themselves with food so I tried doing that, but now I just feel like puking and I don't feel any better.

People close to me would know what's been happening and why I'm feeling this way. I try not to share how I feel with that many people 'cos I don't like the idea of burdening them with my problems. But I think I might just explode soon. I don't know how to explain this. I would like to cry my heart out but I don't know what I should be crying about... All I know is I feel shitty. That's all.

N says that I have changed to become a completely different person, someone he doesn't recognize anymore. He is not wrong. I know I'm not myself anymore. I'm the type of person who cannot stand staying home and doing nothing. I'm the type of person who likes drinking and socializing, but not overdoing it and getting drunk every other day. But these days I am either at home feeling all emo about stuff, or out getting myself piss drunk. It is not normal.

This isn't fair to N. I know it isn't. It is akin to me venting my anger at him - he hasn't got a clue why I'm behaving this way. Why I don't wanna go out anymore. Why I hardly feel like meeting him anymore. Why I'm getting myself dead drunk so frequently that he has to come to my rescue and literally carry me home. And as much as I'd like to explain myself to him, I don't have the answers too.

How long will this go on for? How long will I be stuck in this rut? How long will I continue living this lifestyle before I wake the fuck up and realize that the world doesn't stop spinning just because I'm feeling down? How long will it take for me to see that I need to get back up on my feet, learn from the mistakes I've made and move on?

--

Right now I just feel like dying. Somebody kill me already. Please.

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It's 20 minutes to the first day of CNY. This year I'm dreading the next two days because of obvious reasons. Besides, I've never been a fan of visiting, and I really can't think of anyone who would be. It's such a waste of time... And it doesn't help that I'm on a diet so I'm probably gonna miss out on all the CNY goodies. Then again, the thought of pineapple tarts and bak kwa etc don't even appeal to me that much anymore. Which is a good thing I suppose. I'm only looking forward to the ang baos though $$$$$

That aside, I have been drinking for the past two consecutive days. Ignoring the fact that that is taking a toll on my health (and wallet), drinking makes me really happy. So much has happened since the start of 2012 even though it's barely been a month. And I spend every waking moment thinking about how to solve each and every problem. I hate that. I hate having my mind full of "what should I do?" and "how do I make this work?", and it gets really overwhelming sometimes. Yet with each day that the problems aren't solved, I get more and more vexed...

Drinking takes away those negative feelings. When I drink I really immerse myself in the environment and people I'm with and I just put everything aside for that few hours. I can't even begin to explain how liberating that feels. If I could I would drink my whole life away... Minus the hangovers, of course.

--




ต่อให้ฉันจะรักเธอมากเท่าไหร่
แต่ก็รู้ว่าเธอคงจะไม่สนใจ
ก็ยังฝันไปและยังคงหวังเอาไว้ข้างในจิตใจว่าซักวันเธอจะมีฉัน
แต่ก็รู้เป็นไปไม่ได้
เมื่อเธอคิดว่าฉันไม่ใช่ แต่ก็ไม่เป็นไร
ก็อยากจะขอมีเธอเรื่อยไปในใจไปอีกแสนนาน

Ok so recently there hasn't been anything interesting going on in my life (apart from that incident where I had a nasty fall and fractured my nose, but the thought of it still makes me shudder so I'm not gonna recount that incident for everyone to laugh at me) so I just thought I'd blog about smth I heard that left me quite... Amused, if that's the correct word to use.

Just the other day someone tried to explain to me how busy he was by saying that "one hour of his time was worth $2k". That statement in itself isn't what's amusing - it's the context in which he used it. I'm not gonna state names because that's not necessary, and I can't exactly reveal the contents of the conversation as well because I don't wanna risk getting sued, but seriously? This is the first time I've heard someone saying that.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with being busy, but I really don't think there was a need for him to say that, especially when he was asking for help. I would expect him to have been a little more tactful since he urgently needed help... But no, he made himself seem all high and mighty, like he was superior above everyone else, and EXPECTED me to help him. Key word: EXPECTED.

Are you fucking serious? So is this how the society has raised us to be? Just because you are rich and successful, you have the right to be all haughty and proud despite knowing that you're asking for a favour from someone? What have we become? A bunch of selfish, insensitive individuals who strive to be rich just because we think that money makes us the biggest fucks on earth? How disgusting.

--

On a separate note, just a bit of updates on what's been happening...

Last night finally marked the end of my five consecutive nights of insomnia! Thankfully. I have had so much difficulty sleeping lately. I don't think it's due to stress - after all, I haven't had much to be stressed about, so it must be due to my diet. I have been eating very, very little these days. Initially the idea of eating put me off because the thought of putting food into my mouth and gaining that extra bit of fat made me feel sick to the stomach, and so I just ate enough to not make me feel hungry. And then gradually I totally didn't feel hungry at all, and I wouldn't even have eaten if not for the fact that my gastric would act up otherwise. This change is quite scary, to be honest. But no, I'm not anorexic - I think I'm still eating enough to keep me from being anorexic (though I wouldn't really mind that...). In any case, I'm glad I finally had a good night's sleep last night, and I hope the same for tonight too.

That said, it's time for bed now, I have a medical appointment with the ENT specialist tmrw which I'm dreading but which my mum specifically told me that "no matter what, I must go for the appointment"... So I will listen to the concerned mother's advice. And pray that my nose gets better soon.

Goodnight for now!