Edited post with pictures!

First and foremost...



I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Finally. After two years (or maybe just two months HAHA) of torture and sufferings, I'm finally done with the fucking A's!!! :)

--

So after the paper on Thursday, I met Wen Qian and Puiyen at Bishan for dinner, then they came over to my place to wait for me to get changed.

All dressed up and ready to go, we took a train down to Tanjong Pagar because the initial plan was to head to PLAY. But because the door bitch was being a real bitch, WQ and PY couldn't get in 'cos they were using their ez-link cards as a form of identification. So we headed to Clarke Quay, with the intention of going to Dbl O. Tried to find our way to Mohd Sultan, and guess where we ended up instead? Raffles Place.



Not exactly the most flattering picture of me, but it's just to prove that we really walked all the way there! The worst part is that we were trying (and failing, of course) to hail a cab throughout the whole journey. Finally got a cab somewhere near town, finally reached Dbl O, only to find out that there was no free entry anymore.

To sum the rest of the night up: the three of us shared one jug of cranberry vodka, had a shot each, danced and tried to shuffle HAHAHA.


--

Friday... Was a fucking dramatic day. Twin came over to help me dye my hair, then I met Humairah for dinner. She followed me back home thereafter 'cos I had to get changed and all... Then she went home while I headed to Arena! Been so long since I last went there, but it hasn't really changed much - Brian, Patrick, Mike and Hasyim were still how they were when I last came, except that Tara and Radio weren't performing anymore.

Met Leon and we went in first, Calvin came over for awhile and we took pictures but he didn't stay... Ian came down with his girlfriend, followed by Jeff, Lyn and Darren. I think I partied a little too hard, haha. After the first bottle of Martell (plus two shots), I was already quite high... Leon ordered another bottle of Martell, then when I went to the toilet and came back, I saw another two jugs of vodka and a bottle of 42Below vodka.

So there were three bottles altogether, but by the time we were halfway through the second bottle of Martell, I pretty much died. Really cannot remember anything that happened, except that we took many pictures, and I was spouting a lot of nonsense. HAHA.

(All these were taken while I was already fucking high, but before I officially died of course. HAHA.)

We went out of the club to go to the toilet outside, and I still can recall telling the group, "just let me go sober myself up first, then we continue partying k?" But... When I stepped out of the toilet, I just threw up like a fucking merlion. No warning, nothing; it all just came out.

They brought me out, and I puked somemore... It was fucking gross actually. I was also trying to speak coeherently, but it all came out very incoherent and nothing I said made sense. To put it simply, I was just the epitome of unglam. They got me to sit down, but I couldn't sit and lying down just made me feel like puking more. According to Darren, both he and Leon sat there and took care of me while I conked out for a good one hour before they woke me up to send me home. So sweet, right? Also must thank Ian and his girlfriend for being very very helpful, cleaning me up, supporting me and all :)

Woke up today feeling awful, but I didn't think much of it 'cos I assumed that the hangover would pass. But it didn't, and it just got worse, so my parents brought me to the A & E at Mount Alvernia. The doctor said it was a bad case of alcohol poisioning coupled with gastritis, and put me on a drip for an hour or so.


I've never been more drunk in my entire life... Honestly. Ugh, what a sight it must have been. Must really thank God for good friends who don't just throw me aside when I'm a mess!

--

Will edit this post when I get pictures (alternatively you can check FB) from Lyn, Calvin and whoever has them! Although the after-effects were terrible, I must say I actually had a lot of fun. Thanks to all who came down, and thanks to all who expressed concern this evening as well! Especially one person who was extremely concerned and thoughtful throughout the whole of today... I don't think there's a need to mention names. :)

--

Tmrw's a busy day: Su's brother's wedding in the afternoon, then Dad's birthday dinner at night. My sister will be giving birth either on Monday or Tuesday! Heh, how exciting :)

Gonna rush this post (which is a Tuesday post, btw) 'cos I promised Crarabelle that I won't take too long so that she can read my post before she goes to bed :)

Today was the long-awaited date with Rena and Crarabelle! I haven't seen them in a really long time, and I'm glad Bfff's back, albeit only for a short while before she flys off again. Anyway, there was so much to catch up on, but too little time... Camwhored quite a bit (what else can you expect from Rena?), but not gonna post any here 'cos the pictures suck. Lesson #1: Don't take a picture with/ next to Rena, because you're bound to look fat and ugly next to her.

WQ also came along, she was supposed to accompany me to study but I ended up doing everything but studying. Sigh, so much for putting in effort for the last two days eh. What mood is there to study when everyone's already over and done with the fucking A's, and are enjoying life like never before?

So after Rena and Bfff left, Twin and I decided to go shopping for her prom outfit :) my legs nearly gave way after all that walking, and my ankle started to act up again. But it pretty much made up for bailing out on gym with Ethel today; I woke up feeling really tired and now I'm even more exhausted. Not complaining though, 'cos it was a day well-spent. Very glad that I finally managed to hang out with the people I've greatly missed! :)


Note to self: Must spend tmrw doing hardcore and productive mugging!!!


P.S: Thanks for your little thoughtful note Rena, and thanks also to Bfff for buying stuff back from Aussieland!

P.P.S: I really hate how I still instinctively headed to our usual hangout place while walking home earlier on, despite being so dead tired after all that walking today...

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远就不要说再见
不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们曾经过那么多考验
最后还是回到了原点

我应该就走开就算感情还在
我应该就放开对他不再依赖
忘了曾有过的片段
这是属于你们的未来

(Edit @ 0145AM)

clarabelle says (1:09 AM):
i was thinking today, seriously you're a gem okay
dont lose confidence in yourself

clarabelle says (1:10 AM):
it struck me all of a sudden when you said
im the kind relac one corner and enjoy all
thats so different from many other people

clarabelle says (1:13 AM):
yeah you're really sincere about relationships, thats inner beauty
& its not sth that one can see in such a short time

clarabelle says (1:24 AM):
it just hit me today leh, coming back, its made me see things differently
people only miss you when you're gone
when you're back, not really
i really like how you treasure relationships with people

--

It's friends like these who make me feel that maybe life doesn't suck that much after all. That maybe there are people more worthy of your love than heartless, unfeeling people who mess with your life, then leave you to fend for yourself. It may not be much, but this coming from Bfff means a lot to me because she's never been so sincere in talking to me before, and it makes me really heartened to know that there's someone who actually sees me for who I am, and who appreciates me in spite of my flaws.

Having this talk with Bfff just made me realize that there's so much more to life than misery and heartache. Sure, I'm still gonna feel upset and demoralized, but that doesn't mean I have to kowtow to these negative emotions. That being said, I don't know what I'm going to do/ where I'm going to go from here onwards but I'm just gonna take each day as it comes, and see where it brings me...

It's past midnight now, and I don't usually blog past midnight 'cos it screws the whole date/ time thing up. Right now, for example, is still a Saturday night to me although my post says it's Sunday morning. Anyway...

Because yesterday was one of the worst days I'd had in weeks, I pretty much expected today to be a lot better. The day started off good, Char called around noon and asked if I wanted to meet at our usual hangout place, and since I had nothing to do, I agreed. So we talked for nearly two hours... It was nice catching up with her, having not seen her for such a long time :)

Dinner was at one of my fav restaurants of all time, had a rather engaging conversation, of which I have absolutely no comments about. Don't get me wrong, the evening was awesome with good company, and while on the way back I was thinking that perhaps my day wasn't that bad after all.

But as always, I'm always getting emotionally attacked at the most inappropriate moments ever, and I guess I have no one/ nothing to blame but my itchy fingers. Sigh. As if my mood wasn't dampened enough, I couldn't help but to revisit the places we used to sit at almost every night. I know, it's been so long already and I should well be moving on but let's just say I can't control where my feet decide to bring me to.

I was really heartened by Michelle's warm hugs and encouraging words of advice at 1819 on Friday night, just for that moment I felt a tad bit more hopeful. Yet it strangely reminded me of the past, where moving on seemed impossible at the initial stages, but within the next few days every sad memory/ thought ceased to exist. I can't even emphasize how different it is this time.

Well, maybe it's because I'm too sober tonight, and my mind isn't numb enough, so thoughts of you still find their way back to me. But maybe it's also because I'm still rooted to the spot where you left me, despite me trying desperately to move ahead. Going through the daily motions of life has become more of an obligation - a need to eat, shit and sleep, just for the sake of it.

Where have you been? Do you even read this space anymore? Do you still hate me as much as you should? Do you still think of me like I think of you?

--

Sigh, now I sound like a fucking lovelorn idiot. I should really go get a fucking life. Get wasted everyday. Spread fucked up messages about love, and life. Give the world a fucking hard time. Get hooked on every fucking vice possible, because life's too short to fucking care about dying early, or dying young.

That's the thing; you never get used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you and it just hits you all over again.

The past two days have been pretty insane. I still have one more paper left but already it seems like I'm done with A's for good. And I'm not recovering from my flu because I've been drinking every night which obviously makes it worse.

--

Lyn and I met on Tuesday, and what was supposed to be a short catch-up session led to us going home only at 4am, with everyone so shagged and drained. After dinner, we headed to Haji Lane where we met Hon Ming and friends for shisha and beer. We finished one beer tower and one jug; I think I could've gotten drunk on beer if they ordered more. HAHAHA.

--

Wednesday was bad, I don't know why but I couldn't seem to keep my mind off you. The flu got worse, and I think I should've gone to see the doc but I refused to. So I went over to Grandma's for a nice home-cooked meal, then rushed home to get changed and get ready to head to Zouk. I know I probably shouldn't have gone, because if I'd stayed home to rest instead, my flu might have gotten better. But I just had to do smth to make myself feel emotionally better... Even if it meant risking my life.

Pet and friends welcomed me with a jaagerbomb within 15 minutes of my arrival, what an awesome start to the night eh. Thereafter I recall drinking two Lychee Martinis, lots of Martell, Chivas and vodka in the club itself, and a tall glass of Erdinger at Wine Bar when Lyn and Hon Ming came down. It was more of a busy night rather than a fun night, really. I rmb trying to look for people the whole time, and trying to get rid of some annoying guy who picked me up by saying, "I like the way you talk". Wtf.

I rmb seeing Guo Xiang and friends whom I hung out with for a bit, Siyi/ Gus and friends, and Kelvin Neo/ Floyd and friends. That's about all I can recall? I don't know how I got home, the last thing I rmb is looking for GX at Phuture but it was too fucking crowded and I was too fucking unwell and I just couldn't find him so I left.

Miss the more fun-filled nights I used to have at Arena :(

--

I thought, or perhaps hoped, that getting myself wasted would take you off my mind. But I ended up thinking of you even more. Every morning when I wake up, you're still the first thought on my mind. The reality of losing you for good this time still hits me every morning.

When I woke up this morning to your text, it struck me for a moment that maybe I never lost you, that maybe you were still there. Then I saw what I sent you in my drunken state and wondered why I would have texted you in the very first place. Didn't take long for me to find out why.

Apart from the fact that I missed you so fucking much, I rmb how I used to text you everytime I got home from clubbing in the past. Every week, without fail, I'd text you to tell you how my night went, and I rmb how you used to tell me that you liked it when I did that.

Just goes to show how you are, very much, still a part of my life.

With such a long break before the last paper, I've pretty much explored everything there is to do online so there's nothing else to do but blog.

Just got home not too long ago, was texting Nel in the afternoon and he told me he was celebrating Nic Ho's birthday at night so I made an impromptu decision to tag along, after dinner with Su.

(On a sidenote, I really have to express my gratitude to Su. The only person who'll pick up my calls anytime of the day, the only person who has so much trust in me and vice versa, the only person who truly understands me and never gives up on me, helping me to pull through every single shit that's happened... Despite the many hurdles we've gone through, we still stand strong and I'm so, so thankful for that. Love you babe.)

So dinner was at some chicken rice restaurant, 6 people (excluding me because I didn't eat) and the bill totalled $74.25! Took a longgggg walk to Nic's place after dinner, where we:

1. Watched tv
2. Forced Nic to drink (he didn't even touch the Absolut Vodka in the end)
3. Raped/ tortured the boys, specifically Nic and Nel HAHAHA (actually, only the boys were involved in this. It was craaaaazy, the stuff they did. I think it'll be posted on Nel's fb - free porn for anyone who's interested! Heh.)
4. Watched abit of Incredible Tales

Poor Nel was limping the whole way through 'cos of his nasty ankle. Take care dear, you have to be well enough for us to club together soon yes! And please bring LNX and CHW along to PLAY alright? ;) and of course, how could I forget to thank you for your expert advice? Haha, thank you!

--

I realize my blog has been very quiet for some time. Perhaps it's 'cos I haven't really been out to have fun lately, so much so that I can't even rmb how it feels like to get drunk. No actually I do. But that's not the point. My posts have been revolving around only one topic, and it's been so emo that I think people get sick of reading it.

But well, I can't dwell in the past any longer, right? For all I know, I may be garnering many hate messages henceforth but really, I don't give two flying fucks anymore. I'm ashamed to even admit that I believe in God, because I've done so much wrong in the past few months, most of which I sure as hell wish I could undo.

Time won't turn back though, but I know time will heal all wounds. For some strange reason, you never really left my mind for the whole of today, despite how much I should really detest you after all that's happened. You could say I've messed your life up greatly, but hasn't it crossed your mind that perhaps this is how I've been suffering this entire time, too?

I thought the hatred within me was now deep enough for me to move on without even looking back at all. But I was wrong. I never stopped feeling for you. Not even up till this point, where you probably hate me so much that we can't even talk to each other anymore. But I have to start learning to live without you. I have to start getting my life back on track, because this time there's no turning back.

I don't regret what I did because I did it for a justifiable reason, although I knew that I may have to face a lot of flak for it. I have to face up to my mistake, then begin the daunting task of moving on and starting over. And I also hope that someday, you'd see the light in why I did what I did. Just as how I will learn to forgive you for the hurt you've inflicted on me, I hope that one day you'd be able to forgive me too.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

By right, I'm supposed to be enjoying a one-week break before I start mugging for Lit P4 again. By right, I'm supposed to be having a rockin' good time right now 'cos my parents are away for a week. By right, I'm supposed to be excited because we're almost there, just one more paper and I'll be free from the damned A's.

But I'm not.

I guess it's partly 'cos I'm down with the flu bug and nothing seems exciting to me anymore. And it's probably also because I know that I screwed my papers up big time and I'm starting to worry for myself. There's also another reason... Which I don't think is necessary for me to list out again, eh?

My fucking throat is killing me. I've popped lozenges and strepsils and vapodrops but they're all temporary relief and in half an hour, the irritation and pain comes back. On top of that, my cramps are really bad, and I developed a fever this afternoon and nearly died because I was at Cafe Cartel with the air-con on at full blast. It was freeeeezing cold. Right now I'm sitting on the bed typing this out, the windows tightly shut and no fan/ air-con turned on but still I'm feeling cold. And hot, at the same time.

I'm so bored and I wish there were someone to take me out, although it's quite obvious that the only place I can go is downstairs because I think I'm too weak and sick to travel anywhere else. But except for one person, there's no one else who's willing to come all the way to my place and meet me downstairs for less than a couple of hours... And I can't call that one person over now because... I just can't.

Fuck, what a way to end/ start a week. Sometimes I think that life's just out to screw me. Forget that I have to suffer tremendous emotional torment, now I have to go through the physical manifestation of that. And those two, put together... The epitome of misery. Undeniably.



P.S: Would anyone like to offer to get me lunch tmrw? I'll love you for all eternity, I promise...

--

我们是两条平行线
再没有任何交叉点
只留下心酸的感觉
当爱是仓促的句点

Geog
Math P1
GP
Math P2
Lit P1
Econs P2
Econs P1
Lit P4

Down to the very last two papers! And after tmrw, I'll only be left with Lit P4 :) I remember telling Su three days before the Geog paper, that time's passing so slowly and it seems like I've been mugging for eternity already... And that it's gonna take really long before it all ends. But now I'm only left with 5hrs and 15mins of exam time, 5hrs and 15mins scribbling madly in that exam hall, 5hrs and 15mins to put all my effort to good use. Come to think of it, time flies, eh?

--

After the Econs paper yesterday, I decided that I was too stressed to continue studying for the day so I went to the salon for a haircut + hair treatment. $143 for all of that, and two bottles of shampoo. But it was well worth it! The massage and all seriously helped to relax my tensed muscles; I could've just fallen asleep there. So I got myself a new haircut, changed my parting, and my hair's ten times softer now... It would've been perfect if not for the fact that my fringe is hideously short now. Oh well, not complaining though.

--

Perhaps it's the stress, perhaps it's that I've still been thinking of you a lot, perhaps it's that you're still the last thought on my mind before I fall asleep... Whatever it is, I've been dreaming of you almost every night. Most dreams are pretty neutral, I wake up feeling a little awful but I lived with that. This morning... Was different.

I dreamt that I met you. You told me about her, you told me wonderful things about your relationship. In the dream, you did it out of spite. But I know you wouldn't do smth like that in reality, so maybe it was a message to tell me that you've moved on? In any case, you told me about what you were gonna do for her as an anniversary gift. I think I went berserk. I cried, I sobbed, I wailed... The emotions felt so fucking real that it didn't even feel like a dream, and when I woke up, I felt the same, raw heartache... So familiar, so stinging. I woke up crying, and I didn't stop even when I realized that I was already awake.

It's been two hours since I woke up. My heart's still as heavy, the dream's still as vivid.



Just so you know, track 24's on repeat again.